Here in Your Presence

Here in Your Presence
It has been awhile since I have posted, but it has been a time of more learning.  I have often found in my life that there are times when God is teaching me more about him, and revealing more about me, to myself.  At times I can sense His presence so close it is almost as if I can feel His breath on my cheek.  While at other times I feel He is distant.
He promises to never leave me nor forsake.
Deuteronomy 31:8

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

This is a special piece of scripture that my mother gave to me years ago when I was going into surgery to have my thyroid removed.  It has been one that I constantly call to mind almost daily.  It reminds me that while I may not be able to sense Him, He is still with me and goes before me.  It has taken me many years to realize that my walk with Him is not based on my feelings.  It is based on His grace and truth.

So I am now entering a phase of my life where I see others I love deal with struggles, that at times can be quite painful. 

Ones I love that have found Him, but not following closely.  I have been there myself, and if it were not for the faithful prayer of my family and friends, I might not have been carried along to this moment. 

During this most difficult week, God has been revealing His truth to me once again.

I have come to realize that I am not the sum of my problems or trials.  When asked "How are you doing", I would often lead with.....tired because I was up all night xxxxxx......

I realized that most people don't want to hear the constant ..... "I have a problem" response.  I also realized that I don't want to hear it myself.  God knows my concerns.  He knows the plans He has for me.  He knows the plans He has for my loved ones. 

In focusing on Him, and Him alone, I have nothing to fear.  Even when things appear to be headed in a "tough" or "painful" direction, I know that He is aware of these events.  He never promised we wouldn't have struggles.  Be He did promise to be there and be our strength, peace and guide through it all.  He has shown me this consistently throughout my life, and throughout my struggles. 

So as I watch others deal with their lives and struggles, I humbly bring each one of them before Him and ask that He guide me to support each and every one of them in the way that would be in keeping with His will for my life and theirs. 

As much as I would sometimes like to jump in and save them from their trials, this is not necessarily part of God's will for their lives.  So with patience and prayer, I bring these things before God and watch His will unfold in all our lives.

Isaiah 26:3
You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You.

Becoming a Child

It has been a while since my last post, but I have always known that this was not about my words, but words inspired by God.  I once again finding myself needing to live our my faith and work out my salvation, one day at a time.  My head knows that my life is askew whenever I put other priorities first.  I have found I can keep myself busy with things that seem pressing and important at the time, but usually result in nothing but a physical and spiritual tiredness that only grows the more I press forward.  This is when I am running on my own "steam".  But without the proper ingredients to make the "steam" and keep it going, I eventually run out of energy. 
I realized several weeks ago that I felt like I was just "floating" around, day after day.  Nothing pressing, or exciting.  Nothing to share with others, nothing to challenge my thoughts.  No struggles.  No urgency.  No direction.  No joy!  For me this is always a slippery slope.  It usually starts with a busy day, trying to accomplish my own set of goals, and it progresses from there. 
I have been given a wonderful gift of being well enough to continue life at the same pace as before.  The health trials put behind me for now, and then a re-evaluation of "what to do next".  As apathy set in, I realized I am not living the way I need to.  I have slowly let busyness take over, and stopped putting the "bread of life" first.  I stopped seeking Him and making God my priority.  My world didn't fall apart......it just slowly came to a grinding halt. 
In my devotions with Oswald Chamber's My utmost for His Highest, he explains how sanctification is "God's responsibility" but consecration ((being dedicated to God's service) is "ours".  Knowing that my life was lacking in my precious time with God was evident, and I would normally pray that God would give me the desire to read His word, spend time in prayer, and share Him with others when given the opportunity.  I would look and wait for those opportunities, and feel blessed to have been a part of a moment that felt orchestrated by God. 
Well, I now realize that God has the job of sanctifying us (being set apart from sin and being made holy), but I also have a responsibility to seek Him.  To "work out my salvation" (Phil 2:13).  To make an effort.
So I put all things aside for the last few days, and focused on the things that I cherish.  First, my relationship with God.  Reading His word, spending time in prayer, singing songs that lift me up and remind me of His beauty and love.  This then lead to taking my 2 oldest grandchildren to church. 
On Saturday nights, there isn't a children's church, so I knew this meant keeping them seated with me during the entire service.  This brought back moments of "dread" as I tried to keep my own children preoccupied in a similar situation, and they still managed to start creating great distractions.  Not conducive to prayerful worship time. 
I also knew that God was certainly "big enough" to handle this situation, and I said, "I know you can make this a pleasant experience for all of us, and I am trusting and know without a shadow of a doubt that you will.
The children were told about what was expected of them, and that we were in God's house, and that when other people were talking, we weren't supposed to, but if they wanted to join us and sing, they were welcome to.  So they ate there little treats, drank their juice boxes (and we fit in a trip to the washroom as well), and drew on their note pads.
My grandson kept nudging me trying to show me what he had drawn and written.  At six, he has developed an amazing ability to read and write that is beyond what I remember my own children doing at his age.  So without looking down, I quietly collected the papers he had created and held them in my hand until the end of the service when I could acknowledge and read them.
He took an offering envelope from the chair in front of him, and wrote his name, address, and telephone number on it.  On the back of the envelope he put the name "Jesus" and then put one of his notes inside.  He showed me the note before he sealed it.  It said "I love Jesus and God".  He later handed me the precious letter that had been brought with us to dinner, and carried throughout the evening, and said to me,
"Grandma, can you hold onto this for me and then give it back to me when I die, because I want to give it to Jesus one day when I see Him!"  The purity of his heart, that thought, that statement is one that I will never forget.  I later looked at some of the other notes he made.  One other precious note was that "God loves everybody.  Jesus loves everyone.  Jesus loves God.
How a six year old mind grasps the enormous truth of our Lord and Saviour, and the love of our Creator is nothing short of phenomenal.  Sometimes it is the children that bring us back to the basics and the truth.  There hearts are pure and uncluttered.  This is the way I need to be also.
Jesus said:  “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 18:2-4
Now I understand why!

Solid Food

I am repeatedly amazed how God continues to work in my life.  Even when my life seems to be falling apart.  I see God as a father who is raising a child to become an adult.
In the beginning, when I first came to realize who Christ was, and who I was, and what He had done for me, I was at the stage of just existing.
God took this time to grow me internally.  I was fed milk, and my mind started to develop slowly, and as it did, I became more and more aware of my surroundings.  I started to get clear vision, and then bonds were formed, and then I communicated with those around me. 
Somewhat like my early days as a new believer.  I was born again, and God started the process of "growing me up".  As my eyes opened to the truth, the Holy Spirit helped to grow my mind to understand and contain the scriptures and the truths laid out before me.  I started to communicate with God through prayer.  All was very simple in the beginning.  But this was the musings of an infant.
I started to eat watered down versions of adult food.  I crawled, smiled, and babbled with some familiarity to it.  Just as I developed in my walk with Christ, I started to gain more knowledge through the Word, and moved forward in my faith as I recalled scriptures that were also becoming familiar to me.  They would be the backbone of the promises God has made.
I then started to walk, eat more solid food.  Each new food being introduced one at a time.  Careful not to provide ones that were too complicated and might cause a reaction.  This was similar to my using my "sea legs" in my walk with God.  Getting out and talking to others.  I had a simple, eager faith.  I knew the truth and wanted others to know it as well.  I was being taught lessons.  Sometimes I would complete the journey for that lesson, and other times I would have to wander the same path over and over again.  God was always there to pick me up when I fell, brush me off, and patiently wait for me to try again and carry on.  He gave me the basics of His truth.  This would be my foundation for the more mature things He would introduce later.
I then went to school.  Interacting with others that were at the same stage of development.  Learning about the world, and learning the things I would need as an adult. 
I had my teenage years of rebellion.  God once again graciously sat back, and let me fall, again, and again, as I was working out my controlling nature, my pride, my unreliable relationship I had created with Him.  Yet somehow He always knew I would come running back home.  I am so grateful the door was open. 
Now, in the autumn of my life, the body is starting to slowing age and the ability to "do it all" and "go where I want" is becoming hindered by my limitations.  Not in a profound way, but things don't seem to "bounce back" the way they used to.  But this slowing down, has given me a time to "Be still and know that He is God."
He has done the "prep" work.  This season of my life is not about trials, strength, courage, or works.  It is about fully digesting the truth of my purpose here.
I am not saved because I repented of my sins, or said a special prayer, or read the Bible, or helped others.  I am simply saved because of what Jesus did on the cross for me.  He did not do this because He felt sorry for me.  He did this because He was being obedient to God. 
If I am to let Christ live through me, and my purpose, and only purpose is to glorify God, then my life is not about the trials.  It is about obedience to God. 
Dying to self is an ongoing process.  To put God first in all things does not always come easy to me, but the best example of doing this was Christ.  He laid down His life because it was decided by God that this would be the way, the only way, to Him. 
So in the beginning, my view of what my life as a Christian would be like, was vastly different from what it is now.  I thought it was about reading the Word, and praying at the appropriate times, going to church, helping others, etc.  In this season of my life, I have come to understand that this was the "baby steps" portion of my life.  I may have thought I was effective, but I truly wasn't.  Until I give myself completely to Christ, and allow HIM to live in me so that HE can do the work He has prepared for me from before I was born, I am just "spinning my wheels".  I labour in vain.  I am virtually ineffective and it is all about me. 
How can I hear Christ's voice calling to me, if I am yelling so loudly that I can't hear it.  I am down to whispering, but my journey is not complete until I am back to my infant stage of being still.  Being still, but with the mature mind that God has tenderly grown in me all these years.
Be still and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10).

In Between

My life can often be viewed as a series of connect-the-dots.  I seem to vascilate between crises.  I have learned that God is faithful and true to guide me, carry me, teach me, and love me through these moments.  He has never left me nor forsaken me as He has promised.
What I need to learn is how to continue to seek His face in the moments in between.  Living on the edge of crisis can become an additive habit often fueled by the adrenalin charge that comes with it.  God pours out His grace on me during those uncertain times.
But His grace is also poured out on me in the "everyday" moments. 
I had heard a well-known teacher recently say that "People aren't looking to see what you do when you've got it together.  They are looking to see what happens when you don't."  For the most part, that is usually true.  But for me right now, I need to embrace each moment, whether it is during a time of trial, or whether through the respite.  
Oswald Chambers devotion recently said that when God is silent, He is saying that for this moment, all is well.  You are not in a state of learning, reflection, revelation, or challenge.  It doesn't mean that God's plan for you has stopped.  It doesn't mean that He doesn't have a purpose for you today.  It is during these times that I must learn to love and follow Him without the obvious push of a crisis. 
During these moments I must remember to "Be Still" and know that He is God.  In a world full of multi-tasking and intrusive electronic devices that have us on-call almost 24 hours a day, I need to remember to slow down so I can hear God's voice.  I need to be content during the period of rest.  I need to embrace the moments when God says, slow down, wait upon the Lord, see the beauty He has created around you, live in this moment for I have given this to you.
I need to stop wishing away my days.  Waiting for the weekend, or an event, or a planned moment of rest.  I need to embrace right now.  This very moment. 
I need to learn to push forward in search of His will for me today.  In search of the works He has prepared for me.  Each day I have been given was pre-ordained by God.  I need to learn to draw close to Him, to hear His voice, to wait, to be still, to embrace each moment.  Whether it is filled with drama, or a quiet moment doing the "everyday" things I can busy myself with.

One scripture that has given me strength and hope over the years is Isaiah 40:31
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

For me, I will wait upon the Lord, renewing my strength through Him.

For He has given me today and I will revell in all that He has shown, even in the quiet moments.

Caught up in Myself!

October 12th, 2012

God's refining fire often gently prods me along to the realization that there is some way in me, or a trait in my life that pulls me away from Him. 
I have met people over my many years that I would consider to be filled with pride, and some even with arrogance.  When I walk alongside them I realize that this is a very unattractive trait and one I feel very uncomfortable being around. 
Pride very seldom causes people to be kind, loving or encouraging.  It is self-seeking, and often "wins" at the expense of others.
Pride as it manifests in some people, can be glaringly obvious.  As it manifests itself in me, is not as obvious.  At least not to me.  Others who know and love me may see it, may accept it, and at times even ignore it, but because they love me, they feel it best to stay quiet about my offensive ways.  Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
To those that I love dearly, I am sorry to boorishly put myself before you and pridefully put my own interests above your own.
To my Lord and Saviour, I am sorry to have missed out on the very best you have for me because of my selfish and prideful ways.
Within the last several years, I have found a recurring theme that haunts me.  It is one that creeps up on me when I least expect it, makes others uneasy, and inflates my chest in a most unnatural way.  It is pride.
I am so very grateful that the Holy Spirit shows me whenever I am becoming prideful.  I usually become uneasy and very uncomfortable about a situation, or something I may have said or done.  Whenever I have this feeling, I search deep within because I know something is amiss.  It almost always points back to PRIDE.
When the Son of God came to this earth, He didn't come with trumpets blaring, as a King who should be loved and received by his people.  There was no boasting.  There was no fanfare.  There was no huge celebration that would signal that the Grace of God was about to be poured out on mankind so we would once and for all be reconciled to Him.
He didn't need to hit us over the head with it!
It had been prophesied about for centuries.
Isaiah 7:14: “Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.”
Isaiah 9:6: “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”
Micah 5:2: “But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah, though you are small among the clans of Judah, out of you will come for me one who will be ruler over Israel, whose origins are from of old, from ancient times.”
Zechariah 9:9: “Rejoice greatly, O Daughter of Zion! Shout, Daughter of Jerusalem! See, your king comes to you, righteous and having salvation, gentle and riding on a donkey, on a colt, the foal of a donkey.”
Psalm 22:16-18: “Dogs have surrounded me; a band of evil men has encircled me, they have pierced my hands and my feet. I can count all my bones; people stare and gloat over me. They divide my garments among them and cast lots for my clothing.”
 Isaiah 53:3-7 “He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all. He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth.”

When it was all said and done, there was no gloating.  There wasn't an "I told you so!"  No smirk of satisfaction that we would all get what was coming to us.  No sense of vengeance.  Just love poured out in abundance.  Open hands beckoning us to "Come Unto Him"!

The World sees this type of love and meekness as weakness.  Anyone who has ever "turned the other cheek", or kept quiet while being berated by someone else, or gave up their place at the table for another, knows that this is NOT the easy path.  It is not one we are inclined to follow on our own.
I can become angry when a driver runs up to the end of a merge lane to beat everyone else out.  All those that dutifully wait in the left lane to enter the highway.  How dare they!  I have places to go too!  I'm a busy person!  This is PRIDE!
My "nose is out of joint" when I am spoken to by a superior in a disrespectful way.  When they yell at me, or take out their temper on me because of a situation that they are unhappy about.  Unmerited disrespect = PRIDE.
Times when I persist in finding the answer, or fixing the problem, only to finally "get it" and then pat myself on the back for being so clever and persistent.  PRIDE!
The secret moments when I take the bigger piece of meat, or hold back my offering for something I would like.  PRIDE!

There is nothing that happens in this world that goes unnoticed by Him.  He controls all things.  He fills me with patience and kindness.  He formed my brain and allows it to work in a way that is able to occasionally figure difficult things out. He gave me legs that walk, a bed to sleep in, clothes on my back and food in my stomach. 
His salvation is free....lest no man should boast. 
Satan's fall was from PRIDE!  He knows that with all things good, man wants to take the credit.  He made certain we could NOT take the credit for his plan of salvation through His son Jesus Christ.  We can't earn it.  We will never be good enough, kind enough, loving enough, thoughtful enough, holy enough to earn it.  We can't buy it, wish it, sell it, or cover it up. 
The King of Kings, Lord of Lords took the form of a lowly man, left His Father's side to walk amongst us, be scorned, beaten, ridiculed and mocked.  This is the picture of humility and meekness.  Quite the opposite of pride.
I want to be rid of all things that come between me and the Lord so that He is able to use me to fulfill His purpose in me.  The works that He prepared for me even before I was born.  The things He has put in my path to teach me His ways.
Until I am willing to see myself through His eyes, surrender all that I am to Him, and follow Him completely, I am missing the boat!
If the Son of God can humble himself, and take my place for my sins, then I need to look deep within myself and ask God to reveal all the things He finds offensive in me, ask His forgiveness, and trust that He will lead me on His path of righteousness, for His names sake.

Will I ever be rid completely of PRIDE.  Not while I'm here.
Will I ever be completely meek and humble.  No!

But I pray that when things are hard, difficult, frightening or painful, that I will have left all of that behind, and all that others see in me is HIM!  That is when I am in His will!  Doing what I was created to do.  Be a receptacle and vessel of His grace.  Not my own foolish PRIDE!

Through Sickness and in Health

Through Sickness and in Health

September 7th, 2012

While parts of my life have been interspersed with times that can be quite trying, I have never wished that any of them had not occurred. 

God never promised that my life would be easy and I would never suffer.  His own son suffered while here.  He did promise that He would never leave me nor forsake me, and that is a promise He has faithfully kept for 36 years.

This past week saw the very sudden and unexpected passing of a dear friend of my husband’s, and a serious illness that put my mother in hospital once again.

But it has also been filled with the blessing of spending time with my children, and grandchildren, the ability to talk to a lovely young lady about the Lord, and a chat with a dear nurse who had helped me during my hysterectomy many years ago.

In the bed next to my mother, lay a woman in her 70’s who had been married for 49 years.  She proceeded to tell us about the joys and sorrows of her life.  She was once a nun, but had left to pursue a life filled with a husband and children.  

There is no doubt that her life had been a series of struggles and trials.  And my heart truly broke for all that she had encountered over the years.  The pain and sorrow had built up a wall separating her from the Lord she once worshipped.

There but for the grace of God, go I.

In dealing with all the issues this week, God has shown me how the world views these events and events that have caused others great pain.  I was so very grateful for the ability to see my life through His eyes.  I am grateful that He has shown me His faithfulness.

There have been many moments lately where I have struggled, felt sad, stressed, frustrated.  Yet one thing I have come to realize after many years of following Him, is that my relationship with God is not based on emotion.  I long for the joy that once filled my heart when I first accepted Him. 

But His plan was never to leave me in that moment, forever.  I have come to realize that His promises are not based on my faith, how good I’ve been, how unselfish I was that week, or how much joy I felt.  The promises He made were ones that He made to everyone.  They were made since the beginning of time.  They are not affected by my state of mind, or my actions. 

Even though I may not have had the overwhelming joy in my heart that I have had recently, I have never doubted that He was still at work in my life, and that He remained with me, always.

He has shown me He can use me, even if I’m not my “perky” self, because it is not my work that I am doing, but HIS!  He has answered my prayers, and in His graciousness, has continued His work, and allowed me to still be a part of it.

So while I have moments of stress and stuggle, I am assured by my Creator, that He is still there, faithful and true, faithfully completing the work He began in me 36 years ago. 

2 Samuel 22:3
My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my Savior.

Faith Through Trials

August 30th, 2012

I found myself re-visiting a show I hadn't watched for several months.  It is about the Duggar family and it is called "19 Kids and Counting".  Most of you may be familiar with the family who has 19 children, but as I have watched this show over the years, for me it has become a show about a family's journey through faith and circumstances. 
I admire their steadfastness in honouring the Lord with their lives, and I completely understand their choices and their faith.
When asked to comment about Octomom after she had just delivered her 8 babies, both parents made it very clear that it was not their place to judge and left their comments at that. 
To be able to stay close to the Lord when you are given this huge platform and celebrity status, takes commitment and eyes focused only on the Lord.
The last episode I watched was when Michelle and Jim Bob lost their last baby through a miscarriage.  The pregnancy had gone to 18 weeks, and even though they did all they could to remain healthy and to monitor the heartbeat of this newest "soon to be" member of the family, at the last ultrasound it became obvious that the baby's heart had stopped beating.
The first thing I found amazing was when they were told the baby was gone, Michelle immediately said "the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord."  It was obvious that they were both upset about the news of their little one, and you could see in their faces and through their tears that they were heartbroken. 
But at that very moment, in the midst of such great loss and profound sorrow, they chose to honour the Lord, accept His will, and offered up prayers of thanksgiving and praise to the Creator of all things.
During this show their faith is often interspersed throughout their filming, but on this occasion, they spent a lot of time allowing Michelle to talk, on her own, about her experience at the loss of their baby.
Many years ago, my last pregnancy went to 14 weeks.  And while I thought I was "in the clear", it also resulted in a miscarriage.  I wasn't prepared for this possibility, because all 3 previous pregnancies had resulted in the birth of our 3 children.  I struggled greatly through this time, and every day I woke up the pain seemed to go deeper and deeper inside.
I felt alone at times because I felt others couldn't understand what I was going through.  That wasn't their fault, I just wanted the comfort of someone who knew and understood my pain.
One thing my mother said that gave me great comfort was that of all my family members, there was one that was now in heaven with the Lord.  For me, that is the only thing that brings me peace is to know my loved ones will someday meet Him Face-to-Face.
So as I watched Michelle talk about her experience, and the fact that this little one brought them so much joy, even if it was only for 18 weeks, I found myself identifying with her pain.
The one comment she made that I will never forget, and brought the flood gates open wide, was when she talked about her little one not being able to see her face, but with these newly formed little eyes, she would open them to see the first face ever, being that of her Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.
This comment was so powerful, because a recurring theme after my father's passing was the comment he made a few hours before he went home to the Lord.  He lit up and asked my mom if she could imagine what it would be like to see Jesus, Face-to-Face.
I then began to realize that the life and death of their precious little "Jubilee Shalom" gave their family the opportunity to show the world their life of faith, in action.  In a situation that many women and men could identify with.  One that the cameramen would allow because filming people suffering through grief has a set of rules of its own.  This is the one time people are often receptive to talk and hear about God.  This is what often gets people thinking about their own mortality, heaven, and the Creator.
So this little life that lasted only 18 weeks on earth, paved a gateway to one of the most indepth discussions I have seen on primetime television about our Lord and Saviour.
It took many years, and 19 children to get to this moment.
It wasn't that the Duggars had been hiding their faith all this time.  The reality is that the show must appeal to the masses and as broad an audience as possible.  The producer's job is to bring something to the screen that everyone will be interested in.  The Duggars have remained consistent in their faith, and while life is now under a microscope called "reality TV"they have shown the world the reality of day to day life and how Jesus Christ walks with them and carries them through it.
So the next day, after watching and crying along with the Duggars, my world took a drastic turn very early in the morning.
I received a call from my daughter that my grand daughter had just had a seizure and had been rushed to the hospital.  She is only 16 months old, and this was very unexpected.
My daughter described what had happened, and was obviously very worried and frightened.  I knew at that moment that I needed to keep a level head in case I was needed to rush to the hospital to sit a vigil with her and JJ and my grand daughter. 
So I remained as calm as possible, and told her she and JJ had done all the right things, and that they needed to be patient and allow the doctors to try and figure out what had happened.
It was at this moment that I started to realize the enormity of the scripture "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord."(Job 1:21)  I realized what a difficult thing it was to give your children and grandchildren up to the Lord and say "Not my will but yours be done, Lord."
While my heart was breaking, my mother comforted me by praying and reminding me that the Lord knows all things, and He is the one who is in control of what is happening.  That He was allowing this for some reason.
I did not question why this was happening, but my heart was broken that such a precious, happy little girl was faced with such a serious health problem.  One that may plague her for the rest of her life and be the beginning of a less than healthy existence.
Both the Duggar's situation and this situation with our grand daughter brought back the reality of the fragility of life.  That while we may know and accept the Lord, our path is still fraught with pain and sorrow.  As a believer, we are not promised that we will have a life filled with prosperity, health, and only moments of happiness. 
We suffer the same problems and fate that all people face.
The difference is that God's grace carries us through those moments.  The Holy Spirit teaches us more about God through those moments, and gives us peace amidst the turmoil, joy down in the valley, and fresh hope for the future.
One insight that Michelle Duggar shared that rung true with me is that we are not given the ability to know or see into the future.  Only God knows the future.  She said she was glad she didn't know the future because she might not chose the path she needed to go down out of fear and worry.  If life were always safe and predictable, we would never see God's strength made perfect in our weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9 says
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
So once again I have come to realize that through these moments of weakness, are the moments God chooses to show His power and His grace.
My job is to step aside, stop trying to control the situation, and rest in His grace.  Then and only then will myself and others see the power of the almighty God in these situations.  Then and only then will my history with Him continue to show me how faithful and true He is.  And then, and only then, will I grow closer to the moment when I can say, without hesitation "the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord."  (Job 1:21) Amen

The Journey

August 2nd, 2012

When I started this blog, my goals and intentions were to chronicle another journey through my cancer diagnosis, treatment, and eventual outcome.  I wanted all that I did to glorify God and I wanted to become smaller so that Christ could live in me and do His will through me.

What I wasn’t prepared for was the work that God was doing inside. 

I have known and loved the Lord for over 35 years.  There have been many times I wished that He would take me home so I could be removed from the pain I was suffering.  But He most graciously saw fit to leave me here, and I am so very glad He did.

It has been through the many journeys that He has molded and shaped me into who I truly am in Christ.  If He had taken me home earlier, I would have missed the true walk we are all meant to have with Him.

I was only skimming the surface with my walk with Christ. 

In the beginning, I was so excited to tell everyone about my Lord and Saviour.  I couldn’t wait to be finished my tasks so that I could read His Word.  My mind was stayed upon Him, but I lacked the experiences that would truly shape the follower I would become. 

So I wandered in and out of a relationship with Christ.  My roots did not go down deep during those early years.  I fought hard to keep “control” of my life.  But what I didn’t realize was that it was never mine to control. 

In John 15:16 God says “You did not choose Me, but I chose you….”

Christ sent the Holy Spirit to live in each follower, and to guide our path, help us to understand the Truth. 

We are not meant to “settle” or “control” or “wander”. 

I now truly understand the purpose for which I am called.  The purpose for which all believers are called.  We are on a journey of sanctification.  On a journey to “die to ourselves” so that Christ can live in us.  We are called according to His purpose.  It isn’t just about becoming smaller, it is becoming so dead to ourselves that we are a pure and blank slate that Christ can live in and use. 

We are called to love one another.  I can have moments of love for individuals according to the circumstances, but can I truly love everyone the way Christ does?  I can’t manufacture that.  To see those that hate, harm, destroy, cause pain through His eyes is not something I can do.  This is why “I” must die to myself.  It is giving up complete control of my life.  It is putting everything in this life that I hold dear aside, and putting Christ first.  No distractions.  No agendas.  No other priorities.  No meetings.  No meals.  Nothing takes precedence over Christ.  This is the prize.  This is the goal.  This is the journey.  This is what we are to attain.

Christ in me.  This is how people can forgive the murderer who has taken their precious child from them.  This is how ordinary people can give up all their earthly possessions and take to the mission field.  This is how saints can be stoned to death and still look heavenward.

This is not human love, selflessness, and strength.  This is God given power. 

But He can’t use me as long as I put other things before Him.

Paul wrote in Romans 8:29

For those whom (God) foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son”.

Not my image plus a few moments of compassion or charity.  If we strive for this, we will always fall short of the glory of God.  We are missing the mark.  I will never have roots that go deep within and will help me weather the storms, no matter what they are.

So as I look at my goal at the beginning of this journey, it has changed.  It is to lose myself, die to myself, so that I may be conformed to the image of His Son.

The Journey is no longer the journey of coping with an illness. 

The Journey is, and will always be, the sanctification of my soul so that the purpose for which I was created can be lived out in my life.  The life that God pre-knew, prepared, and pre-destined for His purpose.  That is my journey.

Struggles

July 27th, 2012
After all the procedures and surgery, the last part of this ordeal was to await biopsy results.  Many wonderful supporters have told me they have been praying for me to be healed.  There are two ways in which I can be healed.  One is here and now, and the other when I go to join my Saviour. 
So I awaited my biopsy results, to see what the Lord had done.  I had been told that if I had "clear margins" then I would not need to have any further surgery at this time.  In my eyes, this would be termed "healed". 
At first, the results were not available when I went to meet with the doctor a week and a half after surgery.  I was slightly disappointed, because I wanted to move forward from here, and felt like I was awaiting "the news".  I contacted the doctor's office when I had not heard anything within another week, as I had been instructed.  Then another week went by and I was assured that this was not an ominous sign, and they would let me know when they had heard something. 
I finally heard from his office that all was okay and nothing "bad" was found.  "Were the margins clear?"  I was told they were.  I still had more unanswered questions so I asked to speak to the doctor.  I was booked an appointment for August 16th, after the office had returned from holidays.  I received a copy of the report and became concerned when there was diseased tissue noted within the margins.  This is the reason I need further discussion, to help understand the findings.
Is it easy to get caught up in this "cat and mouse game".  Yes, but is this what I am asked to do.
Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.
Romans 8:5
Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.
Romans 12:2
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

So God's words bring me back to what my focus should be.  Not the parts of this journey that affect my body, but the parts of this journey that have affected my mind and my faith. 
So while I wait to see where God will lead me next, I do all that is left for me to do.  To wait upon the Lord.  To trust.  To keep my mind focused on Him, so that He can continue to renew me.
I know that I must become smaller so that He can use me to fulfill His good and perfect will.  It isn't about the tests, the pain, the frustration, the distractions "of the flesh".  It is about understanding what God requires from us.  Minds trained on Him.  In all circumstances, in all things. 
Yes it is easy to get swayed back into "my world".  When I'm in pain, that is hard to ignore.  But healing is painful.  Whether it is physical, or spiritual.  What I desire is the end product.  I can't control the journey, but I can control my attitude towards it, and I can definitely control what I make my main focus.  So while I have been distracted, He has been patiently waiting for my mind to focus back on Him.  On His ways.  On His perfect will.  On His plans for my life and for the lives of others I encounter and those that I love.
Because of this I will not fear what lies ahead.  As Paul appropriately said:
Philippians 3:14
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
My goal is to make Jesus the one and only focus for my life.  That is when I am most useful to Him.  That is when His will can be done.  That is when all the traits of Christ that I long for in my life will be realized.  It isn't about acting kind, compassionate, loving, patient, humble.  Anyone can emit those qualities for a little while. 
It is about putting everything in this life behind me, and focusing solely on Christ.  Once I have truly become infinitesimal, then there is room for Christ to live in me.  Then His kindness, His compassion, His love, His patience, His humility will all live in me.  It won't be my effort, but his fruit being born out in a faithful servant who is finally able to be used fully by the Lord Jesus Christ.
That is my goal.....and that will be my prize.  That will be my healing.

A Full-time Job

July 12th, 2012
Throughout this journey, I have known the grace supplied by God to carry me through my difficulties.  He has supplied me with the body of Christ that have brought me before Him in prayer.  The outpouring of love has been deeply moving.  While my speech is slightly altered, He gave me a voice to tell others about His saving grace.
I find that during different trials in my life, it is often easy to rise to the difficulty.  God has taught me so much about His promises, and He has always been true to that.  He has never waivered or forsaken me.  I have known His peace, comfort and love.
But I sit here today in great anguish because I have not given Him my best.  I expect Him to be there for me whenever I need Him.  But have I put Him first?  Do I give Him my best?  Do I honour, love and obey Him the way He deserves?
I find I fall short on all these counts.  I do not give HIm my best.  If I was in the presence of earthly royalty, would I do my utmost to show respect, honour them, and bring them a well-thought out memorable gift!
So this morning, I cried out to God to forgive me for giving Him my leftovers.  He deserves my first fruits.  He deserves my undivided attention and love.  He deserves my very best.
I must learn not to expect His support during difficult times, and then live out my other days in unfocused busyness.  So this morning I searched my soul, praised my Saviour, and asked Him to forgive my selfishness. 
Being a Christian is not a part-time position.  It is full-time.  It is a 24 hour, 7 days a week, 365 days a year event.  It possesses every fiber of your body, soul and mind.  It doesn't stop because the trial stops.

When my father gave me a new bible, he dedicated it to me and then wrote the following scripture inside:

Matthew 22:37
‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’

This certainly doesn't sound like I should give God my leftovers.  My earthly father understood the magnitude of this commandment, and I have spent the last 30 years discovering exactly what this means in my life.
While I have had times where I am close to Him and seeking His face, even without the trials.  I am not content to sit at the same place and not move forward.  If my desire is to glorify Him in all things, I must continue to move forward.  That means maturing in my walk with Him. 
Reading the Bible until The Holy Spirit saturates me with His truth and reveals the word He has for me at that moment.  Spending dedicated quiet time with Him.  Searching my heart and soul for any offensive ways.  Praising His Holy Name.  And humbling myself before a mighty God.
The things I encounter and the path I take are not a surprise to God.  He knows me better then I know myself.  I think that part of the journey we are all on is in discovering the difference between who we "think" we are, and who we "really" are.  It is when I am ready to truly look at who I am deep inside, that I can finally start to mature. 
I know God can change me deep within.  He is refining me everyday.  The depth of the maturing for me is measured by the effort I put in.  It is time to stop waiting for the trials to learn the truth, and start using everyday to seek His face!