Faith Through Trials

August 30th, 2012

I found myself re-visiting a show I hadn't watched for several months.  It is about the Duggar family and it is called "19 Kids and Counting".  Most of you may be familiar with the family who has 19 children, but as I have watched this show over the years, for me it has become a show about a family's journey through faith and circumstances. 
I admire their steadfastness in honouring the Lord with their lives, and I completely understand their choices and their faith.
When asked to comment about Octomom after she had just delivered her 8 babies, both parents made it very clear that it was not their place to judge and left their comments at that. 
To be able to stay close to the Lord when you are given this huge platform and celebrity status, takes commitment and eyes focused only on the Lord.
The last episode I watched was when Michelle and Jim Bob lost their last baby through a miscarriage.  The pregnancy had gone to 18 weeks, and even though they did all they could to remain healthy and to monitor the heartbeat of this newest "soon to be" member of the family, at the last ultrasound it became obvious that the baby's heart had stopped beating.
The first thing I found amazing was when they were told the baby was gone, Michelle immediately said "the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord."  It was obvious that they were both upset about the news of their little one, and you could see in their faces and through their tears that they were heartbroken. 
But at that very moment, in the midst of such great loss and profound sorrow, they chose to honour the Lord, accept His will, and offered up prayers of thanksgiving and praise to the Creator of all things.
During this show their faith is often interspersed throughout their filming, but on this occasion, they spent a lot of time allowing Michelle to talk, on her own, about her experience at the loss of their baby.
Many years ago, my last pregnancy went to 14 weeks.  And while I thought I was "in the clear", it also resulted in a miscarriage.  I wasn't prepared for this possibility, because all 3 previous pregnancies had resulted in the birth of our 3 children.  I struggled greatly through this time, and every day I woke up the pain seemed to go deeper and deeper inside.
I felt alone at times because I felt others couldn't understand what I was going through.  That wasn't their fault, I just wanted the comfort of someone who knew and understood my pain.
One thing my mother said that gave me great comfort was that of all my family members, there was one that was now in heaven with the Lord.  For me, that is the only thing that brings me peace is to know my loved ones will someday meet Him Face-to-Face.
So as I watched Michelle talk about her experience, and the fact that this little one brought them so much joy, even if it was only for 18 weeks, I found myself identifying with her pain.
The one comment she made that I will never forget, and brought the flood gates open wide, was when she talked about her little one not being able to see her face, but with these newly formed little eyes, she would open them to see the first face ever, being that of her Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.
This comment was so powerful, because a recurring theme after my father's passing was the comment he made a few hours before he went home to the Lord.  He lit up and asked my mom if she could imagine what it would be like to see Jesus, Face-to-Face.
I then began to realize that the life and death of their precious little "Jubilee Shalom" gave their family the opportunity to show the world their life of faith, in action.  In a situation that many women and men could identify with.  One that the cameramen would allow because filming people suffering through grief has a set of rules of its own.  This is the one time people are often receptive to talk and hear about God.  This is what often gets people thinking about their own mortality, heaven, and the Creator.
So this little life that lasted only 18 weeks on earth, paved a gateway to one of the most indepth discussions I have seen on primetime television about our Lord and Saviour.
It took many years, and 19 children to get to this moment.
It wasn't that the Duggars had been hiding their faith all this time.  The reality is that the show must appeal to the masses and as broad an audience as possible.  The producer's job is to bring something to the screen that everyone will be interested in.  The Duggars have remained consistent in their faith, and while life is now under a microscope called "reality TV"they have shown the world the reality of day to day life and how Jesus Christ walks with them and carries them through it.
So the next day, after watching and crying along with the Duggars, my world took a drastic turn very early in the morning.
I received a call from my daughter that my grand daughter had just had a seizure and had been rushed to the hospital.  She is only 16 months old, and this was very unexpected.
My daughter described what had happened, and was obviously very worried and frightened.  I knew at that moment that I needed to keep a level head in case I was needed to rush to the hospital to sit a vigil with her and JJ and my grand daughter. 
So I remained as calm as possible, and told her she and JJ had done all the right things, and that they needed to be patient and allow the doctors to try and figure out what had happened.
It was at this moment that I started to realize the enormity of the scripture "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord."(Job 1:21)  I realized what a difficult thing it was to give your children and grandchildren up to the Lord and say "Not my will but yours be done, Lord."
While my heart was breaking, my mother comforted me by praying and reminding me that the Lord knows all things, and He is the one who is in control of what is happening.  That He was allowing this for some reason.
I did not question why this was happening, but my heart was broken that such a precious, happy little girl was faced with such a serious health problem.  One that may plague her for the rest of her life and be the beginning of a less than healthy existence.
Both the Duggar's situation and this situation with our grand daughter brought back the reality of the fragility of life.  That while we may know and accept the Lord, our path is still fraught with pain and sorrow.  As a believer, we are not promised that we will have a life filled with prosperity, health, and only moments of happiness. 
We suffer the same problems and fate that all people face.
The difference is that God's grace carries us through those moments.  The Holy Spirit teaches us more about God through those moments, and gives us peace amidst the turmoil, joy down in the valley, and fresh hope for the future.
One insight that Michelle Duggar shared that rung true with me is that we are not given the ability to know or see into the future.  Only God knows the future.  She said she was glad she didn't know the future because she might not chose the path she needed to go down out of fear and worry.  If life were always safe and predictable, we would never see God's strength made perfect in our weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9 says
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
So once again I have come to realize that through these moments of weakness, are the moments God chooses to show His power and His grace.
My job is to step aside, stop trying to control the situation, and rest in His grace.  Then and only then will myself and others see the power of the almighty God in these situations.  Then and only then will my history with Him continue to show me how faithful and true He is.  And then, and only then, will I grow closer to the moment when I can say, without hesitation "the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord."  (Job 1:21) Amen

The Journey

August 2nd, 2012

When I started this blog, my goals and intentions were to chronicle another journey through my cancer diagnosis, treatment, and eventual outcome.  I wanted all that I did to glorify God and I wanted to become smaller so that Christ could live in me and do His will through me.

What I wasn’t prepared for was the work that God was doing inside. 

I have known and loved the Lord for over 35 years.  There have been many times I wished that He would take me home so I could be removed from the pain I was suffering.  But He most graciously saw fit to leave me here, and I am so very glad He did.

It has been through the many journeys that He has molded and shaped me into who I truly am in Christ.  If He had taken me home earlier, I would have missed the true walk we are all meant to have with Him.

I was only skimming the surface with my walk with Christ. 

In the beginning, I was so excited to tell everyone about my Lord and Saviour.  I couldn’t wait to be finished my tasks so that I could read His Word.  My mind was stayed upon Him, but I lacked the experiences that would truly shape the follower I would become. 

So I wandered in and out of a relationship with Christ.  My roots did not go down deep during those early years.  I fought hard to keep “control” of my life.  But what I didn’t realize was that it was never mine to control. 

In John 15:16 God says “You did not choose Me, but I chose you….”

Christ sent the Holy Spirit to live in each follower, and to guide our path, help us to understand the Truth. 

We are not meant to “settle” or “control” or “wander”. 

I now truly understand the purpose for which I am called.  The purpose for which all believers are called.  We are on a journey of sanctification.  On a journey to “die to ourselves” so that Christ can live in us.  We are called according to His purpose.  It isn’t just about becoming smaller, it is becoming so dead to ourselves that we are a pure and blank slate that Christ can live in and use. 

We are called to love one another.  I can have moments of love for individuals according to the circumstances, but can I truly love everyone the way Christ does?  I can’t manufacture that.  To see those that hate, harm, destroy, cause pain through His eyes is not something I can do.  This is why “I” must die to myself.  It is giving up complete control of my life.  It is putting everything in this life that I hold dear aside, and putting Christ first.  No distractions.  No agendas.  No other priorities.  No meetings.  No meals.  Nothing takes precedence over Christ.  This is the prize.  This is the goal.  This is the journey.  This is what we are to attain.

Christ in me.  This is how people can forgive the murderer who has taken their precious child from them.  This is how ordinary people can give up all their earthly possessions and take to the mission field.  This is how saints can be stoned to death and still look heavenward.

This is not human love, selflessness, and strength.  This is God given power. 

But He can’t use me as long as I put other things before Him.

Paul wrote in Romans 8:29

For those whom (God) foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son”.

Not my image plus a few moments of compassion or charity.  If we strive for this, we will always fall short of the glory of God.  We are missing the mark.  I will never have roots that go deep within and will help me weather the storms, no matter what they are.

So as I look at my goal at the beginning of this journey, it has changed.  It is to lose myself, die to myself, so that I may be conformed to the image of His Son.

The Journey is no longer the journey of coping with an illness. 

The Journey is, and will always be, the sanctification of my soul so that the purpose for which I was created can be lived out in my life.  The life that God pre-knew, prepared, and pre-destined for His purpose.  That is my journey.