Day Two

The first night was difficult.  They never quite got my pain under control, but it was still better than when I first came out of surgery.  The night nurse came in to see me around 9:00 p.m. and I was in tears with the pain.  J. was the type of nurse who took charge quickly.  She didn't waste any time trying this or that.  From my bed, I could hear her on the phone advocating for me.  Insisting that I needed something by IV immediately.  I relaxed because I knew I had the best interceding for me.  Your prayers put the right nurses on shift each time, and J. was no exception. 
So I closed my eyes and waited.  She was so sympathetic and wonderful that she would keep coming in and aprising me of what was happening.  She was waiting for the doctor to call the order in and then we would be good to go.
She came in quickly and placed a small bag filled with pain medication onto my existing line and said I would be feeling better shortly.  So I closed my eyes and waited.  I looked at the clock, and only a few minutes had gone by, so I waited patiently to feel the relief I so desperately sought.  Still nothing.  I looked at the bag to see if I could tell what she had given me and noticed it wasn't running.  Being as efficient as J was, I knew she would be back in shortly and notice the medication had not been started, so I waited.  She came in and asked me how I was doing and I told her about the same.  She immediately noticed the meds were not running and remedied the situation immediately.
My biggest worry through this whole process was how I would react to everyone trying to help me, while I was in dire pain.  I was so grateful that the love Jesus had instilled in me for others was still there, no matter how great the pain.  My prayer was to represent Him well, in all circumstances.  He gave the strength to do this.
So with the bag empty and my pain not subsiding, I realized my only option at this point was to try and close my eyes and hopefully drift off to sleep.  I had the same semi-conscious rest, never quite falling asleep.
My faithful and kind nurse J.  came in to check on me.  I truly felt like I had my own private nursing staff.  I have always been blessed with wonderful nurses, but this group of nurses were the most attentive I have ever known.  I had to tell J. that the pain was not subsiding.  My advocate (voice) got back on the phone and started the process again.  She got a doctor to call back at 4 in the morning, and this time they ordered Dilaudid.  I waited in eager anticipation once again for this to start working, and this time I got the relief I so desired.
Nurse J. came in several times to check on me, and during her final check she asked me how my pain was.  I told her it was starting to creep back up, but that I felt an oral pain medication (something not quite as strong) might be a good choice since I had been given so many strong medications during the night.  It was then that she mentioned the first IV med I was ordered was morphine.
Ah ha!  That is why I felt no relief.  Morphine has never given me any type of pain relief in the past, and I had told everyone who would listen that this was not a medication that would alleviate my pain.  My biggest fear was being unable to speak and suffering with Morphine as my pain medication. 
But I saw how hard and relentlessly she fought to get what I needed. And even though I was still in pain, I recognized her efforts and could find no fault in all that she had done for me.  I was so grateful for her unwavering determination in bringing me the relief I sought.  I drew comfort from knowing I was well taken care of, and even though the pain medication did not work, there was peace in knowing that she was at the helm and that everything would be all right.
I realized that this is similar to our relationship with Christ.  He goes before us.  He advocates on our behalf, even when we don't have the words to say.  He sits at the right hand side of God and brings our prayers and concerns before God, for each of us.  Does this mean our life will be painless.....No!  But it becomes more bearable because of Who is advocating on our behalf. 
I am so grateful for my nurse J.  But even more grateful that I have a Saviour that goes before me and takes all my requests directly to the Father, on my behalf. 
This is what brings me comfort in my darkest hours, and this is what gives me hope to press on towards the goal.

 

Romans 8:34   Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died —more than that, who was raised to life —is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.  

Day One After Surgery

Surgery is done and I am home now.  While leading up to the time I was in surgery, I was often amazed at the things that were not bothering me.  Normally, if I have a procedure that requires me to not eat or drink after midnight, I suddenly become hungry and/or thirsty at 12:01 a.m.  Not this time.  My surgery was scheduled for 11:30 a.m., but it happened about an hour later than that.  I was not nervous during this time, which is unusual for me.  I chatted and laughed with the doctors (who all had a great sense of humour).  The anesthetist was able to put the IV in the first try which has always been a difficult feat in the past.  My angiogram took 7 tries to insert the IV.  What do I attribute all of this peace, calm and success to.  Prayer.  My prayers, and the prayers of others that went before me.  As I have previously mentioned, I cannot conjure up a peaceful demeanor.  As hard as I have tried in the past, it is impossible.  So the glory goes to God for the ease in which I entered this next encounter.
Upon waking up from surgery, I began to breathe deeply through my nose to help get my oxygen levels up and wake up quickly.  I moved my legs and hands and did all the things I would normally do upon entering the recovery room.  I had a tickle deep in my throat from the nose tube they used and started to dry heave uncontrollably.  Nurses quickly gave me an anti nausea medication to stop it.  But since the cause was not my stomach, but the tickle, I realized quite quickly I would have to try and alter my breathing to make the tickle less iritating.  The oxygen being forced into my airway was also iritating "the tickle", but I knew they were not about to remove this.  At the same time, the pain was mounting higher and higher and I was becoming distressed with all the overwhelming negative sensory feelings I was experiencing. 
I asked for pain medication and knew I just had to hang on until this started to work.  They injected the medication.  I waited, and waited, and felt no relief. An attending physician noticed me writhing in pain and spoke to the nurses in charge of my recovery.  After much discussion, they tried another shot.  I waited patiently for what felt like many long, drawn out minutes, but still no relief.  I told the nurse that I was still in pain so she said she was going to give me a different medication.  I believe it was called phentonol.  She injected the medication and within 5 seconds, I was having great difficulty breathing.  It was as though I had to consciously think about, and make myself breathe.  I told the nurse I was having trouble breathing and she told me it would be all right, and walked away.
At this point, I was once again reminded of the verse I had been given by CK before I went into surgery.  I can do everything through God who gives me strength. Phil 4:13  I felt comforted that God was in control.  That nothing was happening, or would happen that He did not know about.  At that moment, with all that man could do being done, I turned to God and gave my life into His hands to do what He wanted.  I stopped fighting the breathing, and relaxed and was breathing more shallow to stop the tickle in my throat.  I knew the monitors would determine if I wasn't getting enough oxygen. 
A nurse came by and told me to close my eyes.  I did and it seemed to make me feel better. 
I was still in quite a bit of pain, but as I relaxed, became more peaceful and reticent, the tickle in my throat subsided and the dry heaving urge stopped. 
I heard the nurse say that I could be moved to my room so I got ready for my ride.  I passed my mom talking on the phone in the hallway and waved to her.  She would follow us up to the room.
I got settled into the most comfortable bed and tried to drift off to sleep, but couldn't.  I could close my eyes but still hear everything going on around me.  Mom told me what the doctor had said about the surgery and who she had called to tell about it.  Everyone had been informed and I could get down to the job of dealing with my post-op recovery.
Once again I was shown man's limitations.  But with Christ, all things are possible.  CK left me with a second verse that morning that I was reminded of when I was realizing things were not going as well as I had hoped.
Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm.  Nothing is too hard for you.  Jer. 32:17
During those moments, I knew with all my heart that this was true, and called upon the living God to take control of the situation and use it for His glory.  He never fails.  He did just that.

Surgery Day

Today is the day that I go in for my surgery.  I have spent time with family and friends, and said what I have wanted to say.  Being unable to talk, is a BIG issue for me.  One thing I have been told over the years is that "I talk too much".  More by employers than family!  I'm sure family will be glad for the respite.
In my time being unable to speak, I will spend more time listening.  But I have learned in life, that I gain far more by listening then I do talking.
So today, I pray for peace, wisdom, boldness to tell others about Christ and the love He has for each one of us, and that for everyone that I meet, know and love, that they will take the gift of grace that God is offering and live a life fulfilled in ways you could never  imagine.
He doesn't promise there will not be sorrow and pain, only that He will never leave you nor forsake you.  I would rather go through all that I have been through, with Christ as my Saviour, than to have lived life without Him. 
He has woven a rich tapestry of experiences throughout my life.  To have had the undeserved honour of following a risen Christ does not compare to the richest gifts this world has to offer.  There is no substitute for the love of Christ.  He is the final substitute.
I know that gaining eternal life by just believing in Christ might see easy.  We want to do something stupendous to gain it.  In this world, most things are earned through hard work.  But not the gift of salvation.  It is free.  It is not fair, it is merciful.  If it was so easy, then everyone would believe.  Sadly, not everyone does.  God wants none to perish.  That is why He sent His only Son to die on the cross, take on the wrath of God in our place, be separated from God so that He can take on our sin, and then rise from death to life. 
This was not just a "good man" that lived on earth with a good heart and good philosophies.  It was the Son of God, brought down on earth, so that God could provide a way for his creation, man, to come back to Him.
If we are all created from atoms, or monkeys, or whatever devise chosen today, then where did the atom and monkeys come from.  Who created them?  We are decendants of Adam, not atoms.  We are created in His image, not the image of monkeys.
So if God is speaking to your heart.  If He has shown you many times that He is real.  If He has saved you from trouble, death, pain, or sorrow, then please do not turn your back on His outstretched hand.  He is not offering a life of difficulty, He is offering a life eternal, and a walk with Him that will enrich your lives in ways you could never have imagined.
I don't know why God chose me to walk this path with Him, I only know that I am so grateful that His gift of grace was given to someone like me, so unworthy and undeserving, so that I might have a rich full life.
May Christ never stop calling your name, and may you have the wisdom to answer when He does.
In Christ's love,
Marlene

A Sense of Humour

June 8th, 2012
Last evening, my husband and I ventured out for another test I require in order to get closer to booking the surgery I need. 
It was a CT scan, and the long story short was that there is a debate over whether or not I need to have the contrast dye in order for the test to be accurate and viable.  At 8:30 in the evening, there was no one around to ask, so I was sent on my way with the promise that it would be sorted out, and I would be re booked quickly.
So on our way we went.  Out to the "infamous" parking ticket kiosk.
Lo and behold, upon arrival, there was a gentleman standing next to it.  It was apparent that he was homeless, and he was asking for change. He was wearing a well used winter sweater which seemed out of place for this time of year. This was a different man than I had encountered several days ago. 
I told him I would just be a minute and then I would try to help.
I fumbled through my change, and dug out as much as I could.  It was a pittance, but this kind soul appreciated it so much.  He was polite, pleasant, and extremely humble.  All the things I strive for.  When he put out his hands to take the change I noticed that they were covered in thick, dirty skin.  Not the hands of a worker, but the hands of a sufferer.  I was moved by the state of his hands.  He thanked me, and I told him that I would pray that God would richly bless him.  He said "God Bless You" and I smiled and slowly walked away. 
When my husband and I arrived on the level where our car was parked, I realized that it takes a great deal of courage and humility to stand in front of people and ask them for change.  I'm sure some will mock him, jeer at him, belittle him, or worse ignore him.  This man was devoid of all pride.  This looked like a sin that he had no trouble with.  He and pride had separated company a long time ago.  I could tell by his hands.
Moved by his humbleness, my husband and I prayed for him in our car before we left the garage.
We fed our ticket into the machine, and started to advance when the gate lifted.  A middle age, reasonably dressed man yelled "stop" and approached our car.  I thought twice about this because he was quite imposing, but I rolled down my window anyway.  He told me he had just been released from hospital and was on his way back to London and needed 8 more dollars to get home.  I know what you're thinking, and I have heard this one before.  I put all the pieces together. 
     -Sprinting toward the car even though he was just discharged from the hospital at 8:30 pm at night - HMMM!
     - no belongings in a bag
     - relatively healthy looking and well dressed
I felt strongly that this was a scam, but if I gave him some money, it would give me an opportunity to talk to him before I was on my way.  I gave him the only money I now had left.  $10.  As I slowly parted with my last bit of change I said to him "I am giving you this money, and you are going to be accountable for the way you spend it.  God knows exactly what you need, and He is faithful to supply it.  He knows your name, and loves you just the same.  So I pray you will make wise choices."  I told him as well that I would pray that God would bless him.  He seemed quite eager to be on his way.....to the next car behind me!
What!  No change....$2 back?
He had what he needed and was still asking others? 
So, my husband and I started driving down the street and once again, I asked if we could pray.  B. said a wonderful prayer for him, and I prayed that throughout this evening, if this gentleman used the money to get "high" that God would speak to him, again and again.  That God would penetrate through the haze and make himself known to this man.  I prayed that whenever either of these 2 gentlemen required prayer for whatever situation they found themselves in, that God would bring them to our minds, and we would be prompted to pray.
So we drove towards the Gardiner Expressway and stopped at the final red light before getting onto the highway.  I looked up and chuckled quietly to myself.  We were about 3 cars down from the front of the line when I noticed an older gentleman, dishevelled, with a used paper coffee cup in his hand.  He approached the first car....nothing.....the second car....they didn't even make eye contact.  The light was still red...and then he approached us.  At this point I had to go to the the Bank of B. for funds since I was now "tapped out". 
I asked the gentleman to wait one moment, while my husband dug deep into his pockets and grabbed all his change.  I apologized that it wasn't much, but he genuinely seemed to appreciate what had been given to him. 
I told him I would pray that God would bless him and to remember that God knows his name and loves him too.
We drove up the ramp and now proceeded to pray for the 3rd gentleman.  I finished my prayer asking God that someday I might see each of these men in heaven.  That would be my heart's desire. 
So B. and I had a chuckle.  We started to wonder if we would be approached on the highway......etc.

What I wasn't expecting was what that experience taught me about myself.

The first gentleman reminded me of Jesus in some ways.  The worn and used hands, the humbleness and meekness, the gentle spirit. The pain of being mocked, jeered at and ignored.  He was easy to love.
But, I didn't give him my all.  I gave him a little of what I had.
I often do this with Jesus.  I hold back some for me.  I make sure I get "my" down time.  I take care of "my" priorities first.  It was after this gentleman had left that I realized I should have given "him" everything I had.  Just like I should with Jesus!

The second man made me feel uncomfortable.  Was he genuine?  Did he really need the money?  Was I being "taken"! 

Helping this man became more about pride, my pride!  I wanted to be obedient, but I didn't want to look like a fool.  It was easier to be bold with my words when I was frustrated.  If I had given everything to the first man, there would have been nothing left for him.

The third man was a seasoned veteran of the streets.  Who knows what his eyes have seen.  His life has not been an easy one, and he probably knows no different. 

I realized that it could just have easily been me standing there with a cup in my hand.  I could have been the seasoned veteran of the streets.  Was he there because he was down on his luck.  Was he mentally ill, and the system had failed him?  These are situations I could walk in tomorrow. 

So I learned that I need to give Jesus my first offerings, not my left overs.  That I need to look at all those that God sends my way with the humility and compassion that He has for them.  And I need to be thankful for where He has placed me. 
In the end, it became less about the money, more about the obedience, but the gems of what He has shown me after the fact is nothing short of a miracle. 
3 different men, 3 different lessons, one loving God!
What started out as a bizarre string of circumstances ended up being a lesson for me.  I am so grateful for His eyes to see and His ears to hear the truth.  Especially when it pertains to me!

Building of Trust

June 7th, 2012
When my husband and I were engaged, we would spend a good deal of our time praying for various issues.  People would contact us and ask us to pray for ....this.....or......that.......and we would.
We started to notice that it seemed as though our prayers were being answered, continuously.  It came to a point where we would pray, anticipating an answer.
We asked our pastor B. why he thought we were receiving many answers to our prayers.  He said, so that during times when it seems as though He is not answering, you will have this moment to look back and remember how faithful He has been.
Over the years, my prayers had become more of a grocery list of things I wanted, or wanted fixed, or wanted to get out of.  I would have a dialogue with God about anything on my mind, or anything that was of concern.  In the beginning, I was learning to acknowledge him in all things, but I soon began to realize that my relationship with Him had stagnated.  It was predictable, uninspiring, and no longer a priority.  My relationship was meant to be much more.  I had only scratched the surface of who God was.  It was like having a turbo charged car and only driving it on city streets at 60 KMH. 
I read all of God's promises in the bible, but I wasn't really living them.  I had never applied it to my own life.
When I looked at the fruits of the spirit, I may have seen a few of them in my life.

Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

But they didn't flow from me or through me.  I chose the moments of joy, kindness, faithfulness.  I had become almost useless to God because I was trying to show the outward signs that I followed Him, but inwardly I was bankrupt.
So over the years I had begun to learn that my prayers should be less of a "To Do List" and more about spending time in the Word, and then seeking His will.  But to me, His will seemed illusive.
When my sister was dying, I prayed that His will would be done.  And it was.  But at the time, I did not understand the enormity of that prayer and the answer I would continue to receive the rest of my life.
As Jesus states in the Lord's Prayer:
Matthew 6:10
"May Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven".
So we have assurance that God has His will that is being done in Heaven.  So how do we know if we are "doing God's will" here on earth. 
I needed to remember that God's purpose, plan, direction, and will are going to be accomplished.  As a believer, He comes to me to use me "according to his purpose".
In Ephesians 1:9 it says:
He made known to us the mystery of His will according to His good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ.

When I started to look for scripture that explained more about God's will, I realized that Jesus continually referred to it in many passages.

John 4:34-35
³⁴ “My food,” said Jesus, “is to do the will of Him who sent me and to finish His work. ³⁵ Don’t you have a saying, ‘It’s still four months until harvest’? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest.

Matthew 26:39
Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as You will.”

So my understanding of God's will is that it was something that Jesus sought and was obedient to, even though it meant a tortuous end to His life here on earth.  God's will always took precedent over His own, even unto death.

But Jesus was the Son of God, so I felt it would be easier for Him to understand and do God's will then it would be for me.  I realized that Jesus spent many hours, days and months in solitude and prayer with God.  His time and relationship with the Father was His priority.  He went there first.  There He was renewed and strengthened for the task ahead.  The plan for which He was sent for. 
I can only understand the will of God when I spend time with Him.  Either in prayer, or through the Word, or with other believers that love Him.  So while my prayers at times can still seem like a grocery list of "to do's", it is becoming less about what "I want", and more about God's purpose for me while I'm here.

My time with God can often be hurried, timed, precise, and purposeful.  Usually my own purposes.  The times when I truly start to feel I understand Him a little better, and start to understand His will more, is when I have finished my "to do" list and sit in silence.  Not thinking about anything more to say, or what I have to do that day.  Just sitting in silence and listening.  That is when He leads my thoughts to things far greater than I can create and understand.  That is when I see His will for my life, and for others that He loves. 

Colossians 1:9
For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of His will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives,

It is when I read this scripture that I realize that I am able to understand His will because the Holy Spirit, who guides me, protects me, comforts me, and most of all, is able to help me understand God's Word, is able to help me hear Him, and helps me to understand God's will and purpose for my life. 
This is the Comforter that Christ said He would said when He left.  This is who cries out to the Father on my behalf, when I don't have the words to form my requests.  When all that is in my heart is moaning and in deep pain.

When I am told to:
Psalm 46:10
 “Be still, and know that I am God; ”
that is when I can hear Him, and then begin to understand His purpose and will for my life.  Sometimes I need to be quiet in order to hear. 

When I am at home with my dear family, and my grandchildren are trying desperately to be heard, and others are talking, and the television is on, it is not only impossible to hear what anyone is saying, but impossible to gather my own thoughts.  When I am giving my "to do" list, then I can't hear God's answer.  It is when I am still, that He shows me who He is. 

Acts 22:14
“Then he said: ‘The God of our ancestors has chosen you to know his will and to see the Righteous One and to hear words from His mouth.

As a follower of Christ, I have been chosen to know His will, to see Christ, and hear words from His mouth.  This is no longer an elusive goal.  It is attainable.  It is not a mystery.  He reveals His plan and will for my life when I seek Him, as Jesus did, and when I listen, as Jesus did.  Jesus came to die on the cross for my sins and give me a way back to God.  He came also to show me the way.

Romans 12:2
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will.

I renew my mind when I spend time with Him.  Reading, listening, praising, and hearing.  Being still. 

Hebrews 13:21
equip you with everything good for doing His will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever.
Philippians 2:13
for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfil his good purpose.

I found many scriptures that refer to God's will.

1 John 5:14
This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, he hears us.

So with all the experiences I have gone through, I am now able to trust and have confidence in approaching Him.  As I spend more time with Him, I am closer to getting to know God better, and better able to understand His will, so that when I  pray, I can ask anything according to His will and He will hear me. 

And now in attaining a relationship with Christ, and seeing my history with Him, and His faithfulness to me, I have found that trusting Him in all things is becoming easier.  I still have buttons that are easily pushed. I don't always immediately respond the way I would like to.  But I remember the multitude of times He has been faithful to deliver me, or answer prayer, or bring me peace, or revealed His purpose through someone else and I know He can accomplish all things.  I trust that His ways are perfect.  They may not be the way I would have things done, but I have seen time and time again how His ways are not only greater, but better than mine.

When looking up scripture on His will, I found a promise that I know WILL be one day....

Revelation 22:4
They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads.

Another Step in the Journey

June 5th, 2012

Part of the process in dealing with this type of cancer, is to make certain it has not spread to other areas of the body.  In particular, the lungs and structures in the neck (one being tonsils which I thankfully had removed when I was 5).  There are 2 tests that I am required to take before my surgery is performed.  One a CT Scan, and the other an MRI (and various and sundry blood work, etc.).
So today I was scheduled for an MRI.  I wasn't sure if I had had one before.  I now realize.... I HAVE NOT!  I wasn't the least bit worried about it because I knew I wasn't having the dye, so I thought it would be like a CT scan.  I have had many nuclear tests, lying on a hard bed for 2 hours, while a large machine whirled over, above and around me within inches of my nose.  So I knew I had nothing to fear with an MRI.
They strap you into a device that holds your head perfectly still and then put a mask that is like a cage over your face and clamp it down.  They put headphones and ear plugs in because of the noise the machine makes.  Then they secure your head with foam pads to make certain your head does not move at all during the procedure.  You are told to remain very still  in order to get the optimal results they are looking for.
What I was not prepared for was being claustrophobic.  The technician placed a panic button in my hand.  Since it is a tunnel and the walls are extremely close, some people can become "panic stricken".  With the cage over my face and not being able to move, I started to panic.  The terror was growing rapidly and I knew that if I did not overcome this fear, the test would not be performed, and I might have to return at another time to attempt it again.  The fear that welled up inside me was a "fight or flight" panic.  Adrenalin was pumping, and I had not even begun to move into the machine.  A knot in my stomach started to grow rapidly.  My mouth became dry and I could not swallow which only served to heighten the panic I already felt. My heart began racing and was then followed shortly by having great difficulty breathing.
I thought if I looked up, there would be something on the wall of the tunnel that I could focus on, and start to calm down as there had been in previous machines I was in.  There wasn't.
I just wanted to press the button to get out.  I started to realize that if I pressed the button, and they did not extricate me immediately from the tunnel, that I would most likely start thrashing around to try and get out and might hurt myself. I'm aware that they offer some people sedatives, and now I know why!  At this point I realized I was out of options.  This was no longer in my control. 
I knew that my Saviour could get me through this, so I sang a hymn in my head that I was listening to before I arrived at the hospital.  I tried to make it louder than the machine.  When the knot in my stomach started to become larger, and my heart was still racing and my mouth was getting dry and I couldn't swallow, I did the only thing I knew has helped me in the past, I prayed.  I asked Jesus to give me the peace that passes all understanding. He has ALWAYS given me miraculous peace during difficult procedures, or times when I am emotionally stressed.
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
I can feel my body start to relax, my breathing slows down, and a calm comes over me that I cannot muster myself.  Please know that over the years I have tried deep breathing (which works well when you are in labour, but not so well when you're in a tunnel), prayers that do not include asking for "peace", and all sorts of rational.  They really don't work.  I have come to trust and rely on the peace that Jesus promises.  It has never failed me....not once. 
James 4:2
Yet you do not have because you do not ask.
Matthew 7:7-8
 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened."

I started to calm down, and then the machine began to whirl.  I could hear it all around my head.  I became warm in the areas that were being scanned.  The technician told me this might happen, but unless it became hot or was burning, it should be manageable. 
She also reminded me that the machine was open on both ends.  With the way my head was strapped in and positioned, I could not see either end.  So I pictured Jesus standing at the foot of the MRI bed holding out His (right) hand and telling me that He has gone before me, that fear is not from Him, and then I started to recite the 23rd Psalm in my head (my grandmother's favourite verse).  I spoke to Him about the Comforter that He has sent and all that The Holy Spirit does for me, and thanked Jesus for sending Him. 
This was a 45 minute test, and towards the end my back, legs and joints started to hurt.  It was becoming very hard to remain calm again because the pain was becoming difficult to ignore.  I knew that He has brought me this far, and I knew that He could bring me home.  He did.
I kept my eyes closed from the moment the cage went on my face, until I was brought out of the machine and the mask was removed.
Once I emerged and all was removed I told the technician that I did not want to try that procedure again without a sedative. :)  She mentioned that she has had an MRI and understood "the panic".  Her remedy was to focus on deep breathing.  I quickly blurted out "I prayed".  She then spoke about relaxing and breathing again  This time I answered emphatically "I prayed.  It was the only thing that helped." 
When I went outside, the same homeless man I usually see near the ticket booth was there.  I took out a small bill and placed it in his cup.  He said Bless you, and I said "GOD....BLESS.....YOU!" And then I silently prayed that He would see Jesus' love in me and know how much His Creator loved him.
I am a firm believer in giving money to those on the streets.  More importantly, I am a firm believer in loving my neighbour and doing all that God asks of me.  I know that they may use it for something inappropriate, but I believe that God puts them in my path for a reason.  To pray for them.  To show them His love.  I am not accountable for how they use the money.  I will never miss the small amount of change that I offer up, but I may miss an opportunity to pray for someone that no one else is praying for.  My Lord knows their situation, He knows their name, He promises that they are more valuable than the birds of the air. He takes care of them and makes certain they are fed.  My job is not to judge, but simply to obey. 
Several years ago I heard the moving story of a city pastor M. that was brought to hospital near death, frozen in a snowbank.  He was told by the doctor that they were amazed that he had survived, and since God had spared him from certain death, he needed to seriously consider what God had saved him for.  He never knew how he had come to be spared.  Many years later, during a service he held back in his home town, a lady of considerable years waited to have a word with him after the meeting.  He didn't know her personally and was curious about why she waited behind to see him.  She mentioned that many years ago, on a cold snowy night, she was led to pray for someone...him.  She was standing before her answer to prayer.  God used her, a woman of God but a stranger to Pastor M., to pray for his life.  He is now a pastor that is telling others about his miraculous salvation of body, mind, and spirit through the Lord Jesus Christ.
Since I have heard that story, I have always remembered that faithful servant who prayed for a stranger on a cold wintry night and realized He presents us with opportunities to be used, every day, every hour, and every minute.
Our job is to be ready and willing!