Part of the process in dealing with this type of cancer, is to make certain it has not spread to other areas of the body. In particular, the lungs and structures in the neck (one being tonsils which I thankfully had removed when I was 5). There are 2 tests that I am required to take before my surgery is performed. One a CT Scan, and the other an MRI (and various and sundry blood work, etc.).
So today I was scheduled for an MRI. I wasn't sure if I had had one before. I now realize.... I HAVE NOT! I wasn't the least bit worried about it because I knew I wasn't having the dye, so I thought it would be like a CT scan. I have had many nuclear tests, lying on a hard bed for 2 hours, while a large machine whirled over, above and around me within inches of my nose. So I knew I had nothing to fear with an MRI.
They strap you into a device that holds your head perfectly still and then put a mask that is like a cage over your face and clamp it down. They put headphones and ear plugs in because of the noise the machine makes. Then they secure your head with foam pads to make certain your head does not move at all during the procedure. You are told to remain very still in order to get the optimal results they are looking for.
What I was not prepared for was being claustrophobic. The technician placed a panic button in my hand. Since it is a tunnel and the walls are extremely close, some people can become "panic stricken". With the cage over my face and not being able to move, I started to panic. The terror was growing rapidly and I knew that if I did not overcome this fear, the test would not be performed, and I might have to return at another time to attempt it again. The fear that welled up inside me was a "fight or flight" panic. Adrenalin was pumping, and I had not even begun to move into the machine. A knot in my stomach started to grow rapidly. My mouth became dry and I could not swallow which only served to heighten the panic I already felt. My heart began racing and was then followed shortly by having great difficulty breathing.
I thought if I looked up, there would be something on the wall of the tunnel that I could focus on, and start to calm down as there had been in previous machines I was in. There wasn't.
I just wanted to press the button to get out. I started to realize that if I pressed the button, and they did not extricate me immediately from the tunnel, that I would most likely start thrashing around to try and get out and might hurt myself. I'm aware that they offer some people sedatives, and now I know why! At this point I realized I was out of options. This was no longer in my control.
I knew that my Saviour could get me through this, so I sang a hymn in my head that I was listening to before I arrived at the hospital. I tried to make it louder than the machine. When the knot in my stomach started to become larger, and my heart was still racing and my mouth was getting dry and I couldn't swallow, I did the only thing I knew has helped me in the past, I prayed. I asked Jesus to give me the peace that passes all understanding. He has ALWAYS given me miraculous peace during difficult procedures, or times when I am emotionally stressed.
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
I can feel my body start to relax, my breathing slows down, and a calm comes over me that I cannot muster myself. Please know that over the years I have tried deep breathing (which works well when you are in labour, but not so well when you're in a tunnel), prayers that do not include asking for "peace", and all sorts of rational. They really don't work. I have come to trust and rely on the peace that Jesus promises. It has never failed me....not once.
James 4:2
Yet you do not have because you do not ask.
Matthew 7:7-8
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened."
She also reminded me that the machine was open on both ends. With the way my head was strapped in and positioned, I could not see either end. So I pictured Jesus standing at the foot of the MRI bed holding out His (right) hand and telling me that He has gone before me, that fear is not from Him, and then I started to recite the 23rd Psalm in my head (my grandmother's favourite verse). I spoke to Him about the Comforter that He has sent and all that The Holy Spirit does for me, and thanked Jesus for sending Him.
This was a 45 minute test, and towards the end my back, legs and joints started to hurt. It was becoming very hard to remain calm again because the pain was becoming difficult to ignore. I knew that He has brought me this far, and I knew that He could bring me home. He did.
I kept my eyes closed from the moment the cage went on my face, until I was brought out of the machine and the mask was removed.
Once I emerged and all was removed I told the technician that I did not want to try that procedure again without a sedative. :) She mentioned that she has had an MRI and understood "the panic". Her remedy was to focus on deep breathing. I quickly blurted out "I prayed". She then spoke about relaxing and breathing again This time I answered emphatically "I prayed. It was the only thing that helped."
When I went outside, the same homeless man I usually see near the ticket booth was there. I took out a small bill and placed it in his cup. He said Bless you, and I said "GOD....BLESS.....YOU!" And then I silently prayed that He would see Jesus' love in me and know how much His Creator loved him.
I am a firm believer in giving money to those on the streets. More importantly, I am a firm believer in loving my neighbour and doing all that God asks of me. I know that they may use it for something inappropriate, but I believe that God puts them in my path for a reason. To pray for them. To show them His love. I am not accountable for how they use the money. I will never miss the small amount of change that I offer up, but I may miss an opportunity to pray for someone that no one else is praying for. My Lord knows their situation, He knows their name, He promises that they are more valuable than the birds of the air. He takes care of them and makes certain they are fed. My job is not to judge, but simply to obey.
Several years ago I heard the moving story of a city pastor M. that was brought to hospital near death, frozen in a snowbank. He was told by the doctor that they were amazed that he had survived, and since God had spared him from certain death, he needed to seriously consider what God had saved him for. He never knew how he had come to be spared. Many years later, during a service he held back in his home town, a lady of considerable years waited to have a word with him after the meeting. He didn't know her personally and was curious about why she waited behind to see him. She mentioned that many years ago, on a cold snowy night, she was led to pray for someone...him. She was standing before her answer to prayer. God used her, a woman of God but a stranger to Pastor M., to pray for his life. He is now a pastor that is telling others about his miraculous salvation of body, mind, and spirit through the Lord Jesus Christ.
Since I have heard that story, I have always remembered that faithful servant who prayed for a stranger on a cold wintry night and realized He presents us with opportunities to be used, every day, every hour, and every minute.
Our job is to be ready and willing!
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