July 27th, 2012
After all the procedures and surgery, the last part of this ordeal was to await biopsy results. Many wonderful supporters have told me they have been praying for me to be healed. There are two ways in which I can be healed. One is here and now, and the other when I go to join my Saviour.
So I awaited my biopsy results, to see what the Lord had done. I had been told that if I had "clear margins" then I would not need to have any further surgery at this time. In my eyes, this would be termed "healed".
At first, the results were not available when I went to meet with the doctor a week and a half after surgery. I was slightly disappointed, because I wanted to move forward from here, and felt like I was awaiting "the news". I contacted the doctor's office when I had not heard anything within another week, as I had been instructed. Then another week went by and I was assured that this was not an ominous sign, and they would let me know when they had heard something.
I finally heard from his office that all was okay and nothing "bad" was found. "Were the margins clear?" I was told they were. I still had more unanswered questions so I asked to speak to the doctor. I was booked an appointment for August 16th, after the office had returned from holidays. I received a copy of the report and became concerned when there was diseased tissue noted within the margins. This is the reason I need further discussion, to help understand the findings.
Is it easy to get caught up in this "cat and mouse game". Yes, but is this what I am asked to do.
Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.
Romans 8:5
Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.
Romans 12:2
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
So God's words bring me back to what my focus should be. Not the parts of this journey that affect my body, but the parts of this journey that have affected my mind and my faith.
So while I wait to see where God will lead me next, I do all that is left for me to do. To wait upon the Lord. To trust. To keep my mind focused on Him, so that He can continue to renew me.
I know that I must become smaller so that He can use me to fulfill His good and perfect will. It isn't about the tests, the pain, the frustration, the distractions "of the flesh". It is about understanding what God requires from us. Minds trained on Him. In all circumstances, in all things.
Yes it is easy to get swayed back into "my world". When I'm in pain, that is hard to ignore. But healing is painful. Whether it is physical, or spiritual. What I desire is the end product. I can't control the journey, but I can control my attitude towards it, and I can definitely control what I make my main focus. So while I have been distracted, He has been patiently waiting for my mind to focus back on Him. On His ways. On His perfect will. On His plans for my life and for the lives of others I encounter and those that I love.
Because of this I will not fear what lies ahead. As Paul appropriately said:
Philippians 3:14
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
My goal is to make Jesus the one and only focus for my life. That is when I am most useful to Him. That is when His will can be done. That is when all the traits of Christ that I long for in my life will be realized. It isn't about acting kind, compassionate, loving, patient, humble. Anyone can emit those qualities for a little while.
It is about putting everything in this life behind me, and focusing solely on Christ. Once I have truly become infinitesimal, then there is room for Christ to live in me. Then His kindness, His compassion, His love, His patience, His humility will all live in me. It won't be my effort, but his fruit being born out in a faithful servant who is finally able to be used fully by the Lord Jesus Christ.
That is my goal.....and that will be my prize. That will be my healing.
Friday, 27 July 2012
Thursday, 12 July 2012
A Full-time Job
July 12th, 2012
Throughout this journey, I have known the grace supplied by God to carry me through my difficulties. He has supplied me with the body of Christ that have brought me before Him in prayer. The outpouring of love has been deeply moving. While my speech is slightly altered, He gave me a voice to tell others about His saving grace.
I find that during different trials in my life, it is often easy to rise to the difficulty. God has taught me so much about His promises, and He has always been true to that. He has never waivered or forsaken me. I have known His peace, comfort and love.
But I sit here today in great anguish because I have not given Him my best. I expect Him to be there for me whenever I need Him. But have I put Him first? Do I give Him my best? Do I honour, love and obey Him the way He deserves?
I find I fall short on all these counts. I do not give HIm my best. If I was in the presence of earthly royalty, would I do my utmost to show respect, honour them, and bring them a well-thought out memorable gift!
So this morning, I cried out to God to forgive me for giving Him my leftovers. He deserves my first fruits. He deserves my undivided attention and love. He deserves my very best.
I must learn not to expect His support during difficult times, and then live out my other days in unfocused busyness. So this morning I searched my soul, praised my Saviour, and asked Him to forgive my selfishness.
Being a Christian is not a part-time position. It is full-time. It is a 24 hour, 7 days a week, 365 days a year event. It possesses every fiber of your body, soul and mind. It doesn't stop because the trial stops.
When my father gave me a new bible, he dedicated it to me and then wrote the following scripture inside:
Matthew 22:37
‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’
This certainly doesn't sound like I should give God my leftovers. My earthly father understood the magnitude of this commandment, and I have spent the last 30 years discovering exactly what this means in my life.
While I have had times where I am close to Him and seeking His face, even without the trials. I am not content to sit at the same place and not move forward. If my desire is to glorify Him in all things, I must continue to move forward. That means maturing in my walk with Him.
Reading the Bible until The Holy Spirit saturates me with His truth and reveals the word He has for me at that moment. Spending dedicated quiet time with Him. Searching my heart and soul for any offensive ways. Praising His Holy Name. And humbling myself before a mighty God.
The things I encounter and the path I take are not a surprise to God. He knows me better then I know myself. I think that part of the journey we are all on is in discovering the difference between who we "think" we are, and who we "really" are. It is when I am ready to truly look at who I am deep inside, that I can finally start to mature.
I know God can change me deep within. He is refining me everyday. The depth of the maturing for me is measured by the effort I put in. It is time to stop waiting for the trials to learn the truth, and start using everyday to seek His face!
Throughout this journey, I have known the grace supplied by God to carry me through my difficulties. He has supplied me with the body of Christ that have brought me before Him in prayer. The outpouring of love has been deeply moving. While my speech is slightly altered, He gave me a voice to tell others about His saving grace.
I find that during different trials in my life, it is often easy to rise to the difficulty. God has taught me so much about His promises, and He has always been true to that. He has never waivered or forsaken me. I have known His peace, comfort and love.
But I sit here today in great anguish because I have not given Him my best. I expect Him to be there for me whenever I need Him. But have I put Him first? Do I give Him my best? Do I honour, love and obey Him the way He deserves?
I find I fall short on all these counts. I do not give HIm my best. If I was in the presence of earthly royalty, would I do my utmost to show respect, honour them, and bring them a well-thought out memorable gift!
So this morning, I cried out to God to forgive me for giving Him my leftovers. He deserves my first fruits. He deserves my undivided attention and love. He deserves my very best.
I must learn not to expect His support during difficult times, and then live out my other days in unfocused busyness. So this morning I searched my soul, praised my Saviour, and asked Him to forgive my selfishness.
Being a Christian is not a part-time position. It is full-time. It is a 24 hour, 7 days a week, 365 days a year event. It possesses every fiber of your body, soul and mind. It doesn't stop because the trial stops.
When my father gave me a new bible, he dedicated it to me and then wrote the following scripture inside:
Matthew 22:37
‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’
This certainly doesn't sound like I should give God my leftovers. My earthly father understood the magnitude of this commandment, and I have spent the last 30 years discovering exactly what this means in my life.
While I have had times where I am close to Him and seeking His face, even without the trials. I am not content to sit at the same place and not move forward. If my desire is to glorify Him in all things, I must continue to move forward. That means maturing in my walk with Him.
Reading the Bible until The Holy Spirit saturates me with His truth and reveals the word He has for me at that moment. Spending dedicated quiet time with Him. Searching my heart and soul for any offensive ways. Praising His Holy Name. And humbling myself before a mighty God.
The things I encounter and the path I take are not a surprise to God. He knows me better then I know myself. I think that part of the journey we are all on is in discovering the difference between who we "think" we are, and who we "really" are. It is when I am ready to truly look at who I am deep inside, that I can finally start to mature.
I know God can change me deep within. He is refining me everyday. The depth of the maturing for me is measured by the effort I put in. It is time to stop waiting for the trials to learn the truth, and start using everyday to seek His face!
Tuesday, 10 July 2012
Day Three
After breakfast this morning, I was visited by the attending physician, Dr. P. He had taken the place of the surgeon in ensuring my time in hospital went well, and that I was meeting all the required milestones in order to go home.
After hearing about my difficult night, he pledged that their goal for today was to keep me "painfree" and comfortable. I should ask for medication every 4 hours whether I was in pain or not. He was putting me back on IV pain medication until they had the pain under control.
My job was to try to drink, eat, and get up and move around. I knew I could take care of the moving around part, but the drinking and eating would only happen if his end of the bargain was upheld.
My day nurse L. came in for the second day and told me she had heard about my night and she was going to give me meds every 4 hours to keep the pain under control. She took this as her personal challenge, and I liked the sound of that.
So I took my first IV med and proceeded to try and sip some juice. Incredibly painful! My tongue had swollen to the point where it filled the entire left side of my cheek. I couldn't move it, nor did I want to try to because of the pain. I was tired and suffering from the side effects of the pain medication. It seemed to give me an unbearable headache. But I knew if I didn't get some nurishment in me, that my body would continue to require the IV meds and the side effects would go on. I opted for one dose of IV med and alternated with one oral pain med to try and lessen the side effects. By mid day, my pain was well managed and under control.
I had graduated to soft foods, and slowly slurped my Cream of Chicken soup, apple juice and yogurt. I moved to my dinner meal with the same degree of success thanks to the pain management efforts of the medical team.
Nurse L. was incredibly attentive. She was a beautiful lady with the loveliest smile, and took remarkable care of herself. There was something that radiated from her that went beyond a nice personality.
With my slurred and muffled voice I told her that I deeply appreciated everything she had done for me. That I thought she possessed a beauty that was beyond what was on the outside. She was more beautiful because of the radiance that shone from within. I conveyed that she was in the right profession, and had the love and compassion it took to do a wonderful job with her patients.
She seemed surprised by this comment. It seemed as though she had never been told this before.
One day earlier she noticed the magazine I was reading from the In Touch group lead by Dr. Charles Stanley. She asked me about my faith and I told her I was a born again Christian and attended RAC. I asked what her faith was and she said she "had to become a 7th Day Adventist in order to marry her husband". I asked if they read the same bible I did, and if they believed in Jesus. She said yes.
She told me about all the rules she had to follow with respect to her behaviour and her appearance. I mentioned that while Jesus was on earth, the group that He continually had issues with were the Pharisees. They wanted to follow the law, and constantly checked everything Jesus said and did with the Law. I discussed how God introduced the 10 commandments to man as a way to show us our sin. We had nothing to measure our behaviour against before that. I said that when Jesus came, he was The Way, and we were no longer ruled by the law, nor did we need to give sacrifices to atone for our sins.
Galatians 5:4-5 says
4 You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. 5 For through the Spirit we eagerly await by faith the righteousness for which we hope. 6 For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.
Of all the times I wish I could speak clearly, this was one of them. I had an attentive audience who was earnestly seeking the truth. So I continued to speak to her about my life, and she shared more about herself and her family.
It was approaching the end of her shift, and she was anxious to help me finish all that she had planned for me that day. The last thing was a sponge bath.
I am very modest at the best of times, so this is something I prefer to do in private. She knew I would not be able to stand up and do this for myself, and that I would be unable to reach my back. She stood by the sink and graciously wet the cloth and poured soap on it for me. She continued to rinse and put more soap on the cloth. I modestly continued with my sponge bath. She assisted me with cleaning my back and held my IV pole to help steady me.
At that moment, I thought about the humility she showed in serving me. She did it with love and commitment. She blessed me in so many ways with the thorough and caring job she did. She reminded me of the time when Jesus washed the feet of the disciples. While He was the Son of God, returning to the Father, He washed the feet of the disciples. It represented the washing away of our sins and the new life we would live with Him.
So as I strive, in this life, to become smaller, so that Christ, who lives in me, will become larger, I once again realized that humility is what I strive for. The humility to care for another person who is ill. The humility to wash the back of a patient. The humility to wash the feet of the ones He came to save.
The world was looking for a King to come and save them. They thought He would be sitting on a throne while He was here on earth. That type of Saviour would possess earthly power, but the power of Christ comes from the Father, and it is eternal. It is unlike the power we create for ourselves. It is wrapped in love, and covered with humility. In this world, being humble is considered a weakness, and yet it is the key to serving Christ. His work can't be done while trying to fight His way through our pride. He came to show us the way. Not the way of the world, but the way to eternal life.
After hearing about my difficult night, he pledged that their goal for today was to keep me "painfree" and comfortable. I should ask for medication every 4 hours whether I was in pain or not. He was putting me back on IV pain medication until they had the pain under control.
My job was to try to drink, eat, and get up and move around. I knew I could take care of the moving around part, but the drinking and eating would only happen if his end of the bargain was upheld.
My day nurse L. came in for the second day and told me she had heard about my night and she was going to give me meds every 4 hours to keep the pain under control. She took this as her personal challenge, and I liked the sound of that.
So I took my first IV med and proceeded to try and sip some juice. Incredibly painful! My tongue had swollen to the point where it filled the entire left side of my cheek. I couldn't move it, nor did I want to try to because of the pain. I was tired and suffering from the side effects of the pain medication. It seemed to give me an unbearable headache. But I knew if I didn't get some nurishment in me, that my body would continue to require the IV meds and the side effects would go on. I opted for one dose of IV med and alternated with one oral pain med to try and lessen the side effects. By mid day, my pain was well managed and under control.
I had graduated to soft foods, and slowly slurped my Cream of Chicken soup, apple juice and yogurt. I moved to my dinner meal with the same degree of success thanks to the pain management efforts of the medical team.
Nurse L. was incredibly attentive. She was a beautiful lady with the loveliest smile, and took remarkable care of herself. There was something that radiated from her that went beyond a nice personality.
With my slurred and muffled voice I told her that I deeply appreciated everything she had done for me. That I thought she possessed a beauty that was beyond what was on the outside. She was more beautiful because of the radiance that shone from within. I conveyed that she was in the right profession, and had the love and compassion it took to do a wonderful job with her patients.
She seemed surprised by this comment. It seemed as though she had never been told this before.
One day earlier she noticed the magazine I was reading from the In Touch group lead by Dr. Charles Stanley. She asked me about my faith and I told her I was a born again Christian and attended RAC. I asked what her faith was and she said she "had to become a 7th Day Adventist in order to marry her husband". I asked if they read the same bible I did, and if they believed in Jesus. She said yes.
She told me about all the rules she had to follow with respect to her behaviour and her appearance. I mentioned that while Jesus was on earth, the group that He continually had issues with were the Pharisees. They wanted to follow the law, and constantly checked everything Jesus said and did with the Law. I discussed how God introduced the 10 commandments to man as a way to show us our sin. We had nothing to measure our behaviour against before that. I said that when Jesus came, he was The Way, and we were no longer ruled by the law, nor did we need to give sacrifices to atone for our sins.
Galatians 5:4-5 says
4 You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. 5 For through the Spirit we eagerly await by faith the righteousness for which we hope. 6 For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.
Of all the times I wish I could speak clearly, this was one of them. I had an attentive audience who was earnestly seeking the truth. So I continued to speak to her about my life, and she shared more about herself and her family.
It was approaching the end of her shift, and she was anxious to help me finish all that she had planned for me that day. The last thing was a sponge bath.
I am very modest at the best of times, so this is something I prefer to do in private. She knew I would not be able to stand up and do this for myself, and that I would be unable to reach my back. She stood by the sink and graciously wet the cloth and poured soap on it for me. She continued to rinse and put more soap on the cloth. I modestly continued with my sponge bath. She assisted me with cleaning my back and held my IV pole to help steady me.
At that moment, I thought about the humility she showed in serving me. She did it with love and commitment. She blessed me in so many ways with the thorough and caring job she did. She reminded me of the time when Jesus washed the feet of the disciples. While He was the Son of God, returning to the Father, He washed the feet of the disciples. It represented the washing away of our sins and the new life we would live with Him.
John 13 :3-17
3 Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under His power, and that He had come from God and was returning to God;4 so He got up from the meal, took off His outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around His waist. 5 After that, He poured water into a basin and began to wash His disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around Him.6 He came to Simon Peter, who said to Him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?”7 Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” 8 “No,” said Peter, “You shall never wash my feet.”Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.”12 When He had finished washing their feet, He put on his clothes and returned to His place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” He asked them. 13 “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. 14 Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. 15 I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16 Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17 Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.So as I strive, in this life, to become smaller, so that Christ, who lives in me, will become larger, I once again realized that humility is what I strive for. The humility to care for another person who is ill. The humility to wash the back of a patient. The humility to wash the feet of the ones He came to save.
The world was looking for a King to come and save them. They thought He would be sitting on a throne while He was here on earth. That type of Saviour would possess earthly power, but the power of Christ comes from the Father, and it is eternal. It is unlike the power we create for ourselves. It is wrapped in love, and covered with humility. In this world, being humble is considered a weakness, and yet it is the key to serving Christ. His work can't be done while trying to fight His way through our pride. He came to show us the way. Not the way of the world, but the way to eternal life.
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