Struggles

July 27th, 2012
After all the procedures and surgery, the last part of this ordeal was to await biopsy results.  Many wonderful supporters have told me they have been praying for me to be healed.  There are two ways in which I can be healed.  One is here and now, and the other when I go to join my Saviour. 
So I awaited my biopsy results, to see what the Lord had done.  I had been told that if I had "clear margins" then I would not need to have any further surgery at this time.  In my eyes, this would be termed "healed". 
At first, the results were not available when I went to meet with the doctor a week and a half after surgery.  I was slightly disappointed, because I wanted to move forward from here, and felt like I was awaiting "the news".  I contacted the doctor's office when I had not heard anything within another week, as I had been instructed.  Then another week went by and I was assured that this was not an ominous sign, and they would let me know when they had heard something. 
I finally heard from his office that all was okay and nothing "bad" was found.  "Were the margins clear?"  I was told they were.  I still had more unanswered questions so I asked to speak to the doctor.  I was booked an appointment for August 16th, after the office had returned from holidays.  I received a copy of the report and became concerned when there was diseased tissue noted within the margins.  This is the reason I need further discussion, to help understand the findings.
Is it easy to get caught up in this "cat and mouse game".  Yes, but is this what I am asked to do.
Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.
Romans 8:5
Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.
Romans 12:2
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

So God's words bring me back to what my focus should be.  Not the parts of this journey that affect my body, but the parts of this journey that have affected my mind and my faith. 
So while I wait to see where God will lead me next, I do all that is left for me to do.  To wait upon the Lord.  To trust.  To keep my mind focused on Him, so that He can continue to renew me.
I know that I must become smaller so that He can use me to fulfill His good and perfect will.  It isn't about the tests, the pain, the frustration, the distractions "of the flesh".  It is about understanding what God requires from us.  Minds trained on Him.  In all circumstances, in all things. 
Yes it is easy to get swayed back into "my world".  When I'm in pain, that is hard to ignore.  But healing is painful.  Whether it is physical, or spiritual.  What I desire is the end product.  I can't control the journey, but I can control my attitude towards it, and I can definitely control what I make my main focus.  So while I have been distracted, He has been patiently waiting for my mind to focus back on Him.  On His ways.  On His perfect will.  On His plans for my life and for the lives of others I encounter and those that I love.
Because of this I will not fear what lies ahead.  As Paul appropriately said:
Philippians 3:14
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
My goal is to make Jesus the one and only focus for my life.  That is when I am most useful to Him.  That is when His will can be done.  That is when all the traits of Christ that I long for in my life will be realized.  It isn't about acting kind, compassionate, loving, patient, humble.  Anyone can emit those qualities for a little while. 
It is about putting everything in this life behind me, and focusing solely on Christ.  Once I have truly become infinitesimal, then there is room for Christ to live in me.  Then His kindness, His compassion, His love, His patience, His humility will all live in me.  It won't be my effort, but his fruit being born out in a faithful servant who is finally able to be used fully by the Lord Jesus Christ.
That is my goal.....and that will be my prize.  That will be my healing.