May 15th, 2012
I know it may seem as though my life is riddled with health issues, and that may be true, but with God's grace I have adjusted to each situation as I encounter it.
At the age of 43, I had been suffering with deep depression for over one year, and it was continuing to get worse. I felt unwell at most times, and was convinced there was more to this than a "psychological problem". Medications were not resolving this issue, and I had many additional symptoms as well. Unfortunately, most of them can be associated with depression, so each doctor felt they had properly diagnosed my illness.
Prayer at this point in my life, was sporadically coming from me, but more from my husband, children, mom and Ms. P. I would not describe depression as a sadness. It goes much deeper than that. It is the loss of all hope. When you have lost hope, it is devastating and very difficult to rise above. But I had intercessory prayer and the love of a great and mighty God.
At this point in my life, my father had passed away, so I no longer had the "voice of reason" to spur me on. Mom, being the matriarch became determined to find answers to this debilitating problem.
We had bought books, tried herbal medications, exercising, anything we could to reduce stress, and all to no avail.
At 43, I thought my body was beginning to get older and started to go through the "change of life". In order to confirm that this was the main problem, I would require the expertise of an Endocrinologist. My problem was that the family doctor was hesitant about moving in this direction.
I felt helpless and defeated and once again, ready to give up.
My mother attended the next visit with my doctor, and asked about being referred to a specialist. The doctor said it wasn't necessary. Like a protective mama bear, she mustered up as much anger as she possibly could and demanded that we be referred to an Endo specialist. Now most people who know my mother realize that they may never have seen this side of her (including my doctor). In all the years I have known her, I had rarely seen this type of determination and insistence from her. I think the doctor was aware he was witnessing a rare act, and wasn't prepared to say "no" and find out what the consequences of that would be. Please understand that my mother's idea of anger is to slightly raise your voice and become persistent in your demand. That's it! But coming from someone who is normally very meek and pleasant, you realize you're in the presence of an immovable force.
My advocate had won her demand, and I was referred to an Endo specialist, Dr. M.
I spent a great deal of time trying to persuade her that I was peri-menopausal, but she kept veering away from my suggestion. Upon a physical examination she decided I needed to have a Head and Neck ultrasound. I was not the least bit alarmed or concerned. After countless tests over the past year, my expectations were very low that they would provide any type of suitable answer we could work with.
I was told there was something on my thyroid that needed to be biopsied. This would require a needle to be inserted into the lump on my thyroid, and then fluid and cells would be removed for testing. Throughout the entire "scary" procedure, I kept singing Holy, Holy, Holy in my head, and with the perfect person God had put in place, and His peace that passes all understanding, it was a painless procedure.
I received a call a work a week later stating that the pathology came back suspicious, and surgery was recommended. It would be a general surgeon I would see for this procedure.
A doctor down at Mt. Sinai was recommended by Ms. P. He was a specialist in thyroid cancer and general surgery and agreed to see me. A total of 5 biopsies later, countless chest xrays and some nuclear tests that required me to lay on a table for over 2 hours straight while a machine hovered over me and moved ever so slightly, I received the elusive call at work, again. They finally had a definitive test result and it was cancer on both sides of my thyroid, and the recommendation was to have my entire thyroid removed.
I was numb! This process had gone on so long, that I hadn't prepared myself for this outcome.
The doctor explained the procedure, possible side effects, further additional treatment after surgery, and follow-up for the next several years, at least.
This was during the spring of 2003. Most of you may not recall what was happening in our city at that time unless you had been personally affected by SARS. Mt. Sinai was at the hub of outbreak and testing going on for SARS cases. I had to enter the hospital on my own for surgery. My mother said this was one of the most difficult times for her. Letting me off at the front door and watching me go in alone for my surgery.
I donned a mask, and cleaned my hands at every station I passed. My mother had given me a piece of paper with a piece of scripture written on it.
Deuteronomy 31:8
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
I thought through the scripture, carefully. Not only is He going before me, but He has walked a path of suffering that is unequalled in anything I have ever encountered. He was not going to leave me. At the hospital front doors, in the operating room, anywhere. He would be with me through it all. I had nothing to fear. The Lord was telling me not to be discouraged.....without hope!
I was laying on a gurney outside the operating room for over 30 minutes. There was no one there to talk to, or take my mind off of things, or to help pass the time. Left up to my own imagination, I knew things could spiral out of control quickly, so I repeated the scripture given to me, again and again. It has become the scripture for all things I encounter in life. It covers a multitude of experiences and challenges, and never fails to bring me peace.
The surgeon I had prayed for that morning performed a flawless surgery. I did not lose my voice, and my pain was minimal. I knew the road to recovery would be a long one, but at least I was on it!
Often, when I go through these situations, I ask God "who would you like me to witness to", always convinced that this is His purpose for me in these moments. His wisdom always points back to me. He is showing me how all He has promised me is real. Sitting outside of that operating room, I had only Him. But He was sufficient!
God does not ever own me an explanation, or to justify what He does or what He allows in my life, or the lives of those I love. My Creator doesn't need me to take care of this little corner of the world. He can call upon anyone or anything at any moment to accomplish His purpose. Or He can choose the elements of this earth to move mountains.
I never fail to become emotional whenever I realize how much God loves me. Enough to go before me. Enough to be with me. Enough to never leave me. Enough to never negate me. I have done nothing in my lifetime to warrant this type of all encompassing love. It is in those moments I am reminded about His grace.
His grace cannot be bought, earned, borrowed, or stolen. His grace is free, given to me in spite of who I am and all that I have done. It is available for all those that ask. The enemy cannot intercept it or destroy it. His mercy and grace was witnessed in the plan to save all mankind from an eternal life of anguish and separation from God. His mercy and grace were nailed on a cross for all to see. The last sacrifice ever needed as an atonement for our sins.
John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten son, so that whosoever believes in Him will not perish, but have everlasting life.
I had been given another chance to carrying on further in life, knowing where my eternity lies. Someday seeing Jesus face-to-face as my father and sister are now.
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