May 7th, 2012
When I was 25 years old, I had just had my first child, a son, T. who was the joy of my life. He was loved by us both, and it was through Him that a generation gap was bridged. I understood my parents so much better. They became so much more intelligent, almost overnight!
But in agreeing with their wisdom came a sadness at how I had treated them. How I had been so selfish, self motivated, self consuming and at times, hurtful.
Being a new mother made me begin to understand the meaning of sacrifice. My body was not my own for 9-1/2 months. Lack of sleep became a very real part of my daily life. Lacking the freedom to come and go as I pleased. In short, not being able to put myself first.
With true sorrow in my heart, I approached both my parents to say how sorry I was for the pain I had caused them throughout my 25 years of living. I was ashamed of my behavior and deeply appreciated all that they had done for me. Both my parents were forgiving, and giving of their love. While I did not choose my parents (God did that for me) I know that I was so blessed to have both of them as guardians and mentors.
So at 25, I found myself in another health crisis. I had suffered for years with great abdominal pain. It was there for 29 days of the month. Unrelenting. Sharp, stabbing pain that made functioning in any capacity very difficult. The gynecologist’s answer was pain medication. I couldn’t help but wonder why I had such intense pain. There must be a reason for it.
I continued to go for tests. Ultrasounds, pap smears, and a lot of poking around. But I never received a definitive answer about what was causing this. In the midst of all of this, my family doctor performed a pap smear and called me into his office. There was something suspicious in the results, and he would have to send me back to the gynecologist. I took a copy of the results with me in case the specialist had not received them.
With paper in hand, I sat down with the doctor and found that not only did he have a copy of the test results in my file, but that they appeared to be buried within my file, suggesting that they had been received a while ago and filed. I was told that I need not worry because “it wouldn’t become cancer for 10 – 15 years”. On the examining table he remarked that he could see the problem and would perform another pap smear to confirm the results.
After a year and a half of suffering, and now this incident, my father sat me down and said, “I think it’s time for a second opinion.” I knew he was right so I went down to Women’s College Hospital to their clinic to get help.
A few visits, several examinations, and a biopsy later, I received the diagnosis. This was my first brush with cancer. At 25, and a new mom, I was not prepared for this result. The doctors at WCH decided that a laparoscopy was necessary to also try and determine the source of my pain. While they were there they would perform a cone biopsy and remove a part of the cervix.
They discovered that I had scar tissue on my right ovary that was causing large cysts to develop. Long story short, this was the source of my pain. The biopsy results would come in a few weeks time. I was scheduled for another surgery, 4 weeks later. They would remove my right ovary, tube, and appendix.
I had a 4th year resident that worked alongside a head Gynecologist. She sat with me and answered every question I had (and there were a lot). I asked her about the “10 – 15 year” assurance I had, and she confirmed that in some cases this can progress much more quickly. In being candid with her, I shared my experience with her about the first gynecologist I had, and what some of the findings were of all the tests that had been performed over the year and a half. I had my theories, and she was kind enough to hear me out.
After surgery, upon arriving back in my room, another resident that had assisted her told me that when surgery began, they had found the true source of my problem. It had been a large cyst, and that in this case “the patient was right”. I was so grateful for the affirmation.
I was told they had done what they could for the cervical cancer, and the rest of the treatment would have to be performed on an outpatient basis. It would require burning off the areas that were not removed with the surgery, in order to try and get the rest of the cancer.
Seven weeks after the surgery, we found out that we were expecting. I had been told by the first doctor that getting pregnant would solve my problem with the intense pain I had been suffering. Since I was never able to conceive, we were quite surprised at the news.
This would change the path they would have to take in dealing with the remaining cancer. They could not do anything other than watch and wait until I was 7 months pregnant. At that time they would prepare to try to remove the cancer, and if I went into labour, they baby should be developed enough to be able to survive.
I went in faithfully for tests that showed the cancer was progressing. It was getting larger and more invasive.
I spent my mornings reading my bible and praying to God. Sometimes, I would ask why? Other times I would try bargaining with Him (I have had an adult life, let this little one have a chance at life too, even if I lose my own). I did the only thing I could do, and that was to take it before God. The doctor’s hands were tied, and now I had to wait.
Just before my 7 month visit, I was spending time with God and all of a sudden felt a great peace, when I was praying. I felt warm from head to toe. As if someone had poured warm water on top of my head. It was at that moment, I knew everything would be okay. I didn’t know how God was going to work this out. I didn’t know the outcome for my unborn baby. I just knew that it was fine.
Before going for my 7 month visit, my mother, father and I prayed. I couldn’t tell you the exact words of the prayer, but this was a prayer of great faith. My father had worded it perfectly.
I went down to WCH and proceeded with the tests to now see the state of the cancer. Mom had even packed an overnight bag in case I needed to stay in hospital.
I lay on the table waiting for the doctor to say something. He was silent. I asked what the results were.
He said that the cancer was gone!
Not the words I had expected to hear, so I had to confirm that I understood what had just happened.
“Will I have to come back in 3 months for a check up?”
“No! With this result you can do your yearly checkups with your family doctor. “
Well, I had to ask…..how can this happen?
The doctor said he didn't know because the hormones in pregnancy usually make this type of cancer worse. The tests had proven that over the 7 months.
I started to cry and told the doctor I knew what had happened. I had prayed and God had made me well again.
With tears flowing down my face, I went out to the waiting room to see my mom and T. Mom looked at me with dread in her eyes and said “What’s wrong?” I told her I was healed! She looked at me and said …what? I repeated it, and she began to weep too.
It was at this moment I realized that in spite of my questions, wandering back and forth in faith, and unfaithfulness, God chose to heal me.
My son was born healthy at 8 lbs. 2 ounces, and is today, having a new child with his wife.
I have never known anyone that had had this type of healing. I thought this was the type of thing you only read about in the New Testament. A work that Jesus did.
The truth of God’s choices and His love for me became crystal clear to me that day. I did not “deserve” to be healed. I did not do anything to earn his favour. He chose to heal me, in spite of me!
The years of thinking I had to be perfect in order to be worthy of a relationship with God, came into perspective. I now understand that no matter what I did, how good I was, how bad I was, how close I was, how kind I was, how much I helped others, how sweet my words were, there was nothing I could do to gain the merit of a Holy God. His mercy poured down on me, even in all my weaknesses.
That is the beauty of God’s grace. We can’t earn it. That is why it is free!
Ephesians 2: 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith —and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
We are born into sin, but God had a plan for us. He sent a Saviour. A lamb that would take my place on the cross, and bear all my sins. Even though I was not perfect. Even though I was undeserving. Even though I was inconsistent in my faith.
He has never left me. He has never turned His back on me. He goes before me and touches me with His grace and mercy. I am loved by the Creator of all things.
I am reminded that He knows me better than I know myself. He sees deep into my heart and knows the choices I will make. He hears my every thought. He sees my every deed. He knows my failings and the things I keep private from others.
In spite of all of this, He chooses to love me still. Do I love like that? Not always! But as my faith in Him grows, as He teaches me, and leads me, and shows me how amazing He is, I feel His love for His creation grow in my heart. He shows me others, through His eyes. He brings a great compassion to my life for “the least of these (who will be made greatest one day)”.
So while my path may not always be straight, and I may not always be willing, the one thing I know for sure is that I have the love of the Father. Who sacrificed his most precious gift for my sake. And like a lamb being led to the slaughter, Jesus laid down His life for me. He could have called the company of legions of angels to save Him from the cross, but He knew why He had been sent and fulfilled God’s will.
This is the God I love! This is the Lord I serve!
Romans 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God
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