Running the race!

May 2nd, 2012
I started my blog by telling you a small bit about my past.  The major event that shaped my life.
I will bring you up to date on where I am at today.
I think my blog will be bits of the past, interspersed with current details.
Here's my first current detail.
I am facing another health challenge.
For those of you who know me well.......here we go again!
I have been diagnosed with a precancerous growth on my tongue.  I have severe dysplasia with micro invasion in foci.
I have had 3 tongue biopsies to date. 
It is an extremely painful experience to go through once, let alone 3 times.
First, they put freezing directly into your tongue.  This happens 4 or 5 times.  It is slow and painful.  It is by far the most painful part of the biopsy.  This is where "labour" breathing comes in real handy.  Concentrating not on the needle, but on whether my hands are relaxed or not.
They excise the growth.  Couldn't get it all in one procedure, so I would have to go back a month later to finish the job.  I had 5 stitches in the first time, and 6 the second.
I was told that it would hurt for 3 days and to take Advil for the pain!
WRONG!
I want to start off by saying that I have had 3 children, naturally.  Without an epidural.  I know PAIN!
The number of surgeries and invasive procedures I have had over the years are too numerous to count.
But none of this prepared me for the pain I experienced after. 
Suffice it to say that I could not eat or talk for the first 3 days.  The pain I experienced to swallow a mouthful of water to get my medications down was the only sustenance I received. 
I went back after 6 months for my follow up. 
I knew that the sore had come back, but I had lived with them for 4 or 5 years now and got used to them being there.  I was told that they might come back, and they did.
I went in for my check up, and out came the familiar "biopsy tray".
I couldn't go through this without some pre-planning.  I would have to re-book.  I did.  I went and I conquered.  This time with pain medication which did not even begin to go near the pain.  6 stitches later, I began to heal again. I would wait for the call from the doctor with the results.
She was always prompt at calling me back, but it was Easter weekend, so I knew I would have to wait a few extra days.
She called me at work on Tuesday.  Asked if I had a few minutes, and began to explain the problem, and then the plan.
The biopsy this time was worse and she and the pathologist both felt it was time to take this a step further.  I would have to have surgery to remove the entire lesion.  This was the best course of action at this time.
I asked, why does this happen?  Dr. L said that I had none of the risk factors, they don't know.  They can't predict who or when, and that this surgery would not be a cure.  It would just address this aggressive lesion.
I want to say that the staff and Dr. L at Mount Sinai have made this part of the journey, bearable.  Dr. L. is one of those rare people you find that has an exterior beauty that is only overshadowed by her inner beauty.  There is a peace and a calm and concern that help keep you calm.  The staff were so friendly and reassuring.  They all had a great sense of humour which worked well for me.
So I was passed along to Dr. W.  I was told by Dr. L. that if she were dealing with this issue, he is the doctor she would want to work on her.  The doctor's doctor.  I knew I had the best.
So after meeting P. the receptionist (who rated a 10 out of 10 - not only by me, but by Dr. L and F her trusty assistant) I went in to discuss my options.
Bottom line - surgery where the left side of my tongue will be removed.  I will (thankfully) be asleep.  It will not be sutured together.  It heals much better without the stitches. 
I need CT scan, MRI, blood work and a trip to my cardiologist to see if all is well and they can proceed with surgery.  So I must prepare myself now for a difficult journey.  Once the surgery is finished, then the wait to see if the doctor has excised enough of the lesion and gotten "clear margins" begins.
So now you know a little bit about where I am at today!
The most important thing I want to share is how I am going to get through this day after day.
With the help of my Lord and Saviour.
You see, even though I have a great support system, wonderful and loving family and friends, I will still have to enter that operating room alone.  I will shed tears as the pain of swallowing drives a sharp pain in my head that radiates to my ear and throat.  We will walk different walks in our lives, alone, but not alone.
He promises never to leave me nor forsake.  He has been faithful and true to me with this promise.
My 35 years as a Christian have been the proving ground for his faithfulness.  It doesn't mean I haven't had moments where I did not feel his presence.  But this is where the rubber meets the road.  I must now live out my faith in this time of adversity.  I can't just mouth the words anymore or quote scripture.  I have to trust.
He says His grace is sufficient.  I know it is.  It has gotten me through some really difficult times.  His grace is there just when I need it.  Not before, just at the precise moment I call.
My prayer is that I become smaller, and He becomes larger.  I want Him to be glorified through all that I do and say.
Please always know that if you see any gentleness, kindness, love, compassion, encouragement, that you are face to face with your God.  He is all of those things.
I am not deceived into thinking this is who I am.  I know who I can be.  Selfish, controlling, negative and manipulative.  It is only with Christ living in my heart and being guided by the Holy Spirit, that I can rise above my carnal nature and become all that embodies who He is.
So this is where I am at today!
I look forward to seeing what He can do through me, who believes in Him.
I will NEVER walk alone.  Not in the operating room.  Not in my bedroom, crying out in pain.  Not at night when the pain keeps me awake.  Not in the doctor's office when I am having a difficult procedure, or waiting for results of another biopsy or pathology.  I no longer need to "feel Him" to know that He is there.  I KNOW HE IS!  Because He said He is, and He has shown me from the death of my sister, to this latest bout of illness that He has never left me.
His grace is sufficient!