Solid Food

I am repeatedly amazed how God continues to work in my life.  Even when my life seems to be falling apart.  I see God as a father who is raising a child to become an adult.
In the beginning, when I first came to realize who Christ was, and who I was, and what He had done for me, I was at the stage of just existing.
God took this time to grow me internally.  I was fed milk, and my mind started to develop slowly, and as it did, I became more and more aware of my surroundings.  I started to get clear vision, and then bonds were formed, and then I communicated with those around me. 
Somewhat like my early days as a new believer.  I was born again, and God started the process of "growing me up".  As my eyes opened to the truth, the Holy Spirit helped to grow my mind to understand and contain the scriptures and the truths laid out before me.  I started to communicate with God through prayer.  All was very simple in the beginning.  But this was the musings of an infant.
I started to eat watered down versions of adult food.  I crawled, smiled, and babbled with some familiarity to it.  Just as I developed in my walk with Christ, I started to gain more knowledge through the Word, and moved forward in my faith as I recalled scriptures that were also becoming familiar to me.  They would be the backbone of the promises God has made.
I then started to walk, eat more solid food.  Each new food being introduced one at a time.  Careful not to provide ones that were too complicated and might cause a reaction.  This was similar to my using my "sea legs" in my walk with God.  Getting out and talking to others.  I had a simple, eager faith.  I knew the truth and wanted others to know it as well.  I was being taught lessons.  Sometimes I would complete the journey for that lesson, and other times I would have to wander the same path over and over again.  God was always there to pick me up when I fell, brush me off, and patiently wait for me to try again and carry on.  He gave me the basics of His truth.  This would be my foundation for the more mature things He would introduce later.
I then went to school.  Interacting with others that were at the same stage of development.  Learning about the world, and learning the things I would need as an adult. 
I had my teenage years of rebellion.  God once again graciously sat back, and let me fall, again, and again, as I was working out my controlling nature, my pride, my unreliable relationship I had created with Him.  Yet somehow He always knew I would come running back home.  I am so grateful the door was open. 
Now, in the autumn of my life, the body is starting to slowing age and the ability to "do it all" and "go where I want" is becoming hindered by my limitations.  Not in a profound way, but things don't seem to "bounce back" the way they used to.  But this slowing down, has given me a time to "Be still and know that He is God."
He has done the "prep" work.  This season of my life is not about trials, strength, courage, or works.  It is about fully digesting the truth of my purpose here.
I am not saved because I repented of my sins, or said a special prayer, or read the Bible, or helped others.  I am simply saved because of what Jesus did on the cross for me.  He did not do this because He felt sorry for me.  He did this because He was being obedient to God. 
If I am to let Christ live through me, and my purpose, and only purpose is to glorify God, then my life is not about the trials.  It is about obedience to God. 
Dying to self is an ongoing process.  To put God first in all things does not always come easy to me, but the best example of doing this was Christ.  He laid down His life because it was decided by God that this would be the way, the only way, to Him. 
So in the beginning, my view of what my life as a Christian would be like, was vastly different from what it is now.  I thought it was about reading the Word, and praying at the appropriate times, going to church, helping others, etc.  In this season of my life, I have come to understand that this was the "baby steps" portion of my life.  I may have thought I was effective, but I truly wasn't.  Until I give myself completely to Christ, and allow HIM to live in me so that HE can do the work He has prepared for me from before I was born, I am just "spinning my wheels".  I labour in vain.  I am virtually ineffective and it is all about me. 
How can I hear Christ's voice calling to me, if I am yelling so loudly that I can't hear it.  I am down to whispering, but my journey is not complete until I am back to my infant stage of being still.  Being still, but with the mature mind that God has tenderly grown in me all these years.
Be still and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10).

In Between

My life can often be viewed as a series of connect-the-dots.  I seem to vascilate between crises.  I have learned that God is faithful and true to guide me, carry me, teach me, and love me through these moments.  He has never left me nor forsaken me as He has promised.
What I need to learn is how to continue to seek His face in the moments in between.  Living on the edge of crisis can become an additive habit often fueled by the adrenalin charge that comes with it.  God pours out His grace on me during those uncertain times.
But His grace is also poured out on me in the "everyday" moments. 
I had heard a well-known teacher recently say that "People aren't looking to see what you do when you've got it together.  They are looking to see what happens when you don't."  For the most part, that is usually true.  But for me right now, I need to embrace each moment, whether it is during a time of trial, or whether through the respite.  
Oswald Chambers devotion recently said that when God is silent, He is saying that for this moment, all is well.  You are not in a state of learning, reflection, revelation, or challenge.  It doesn't mean that God's plan for you has stopped.  It doesn't mean that He doesn't have a purpose for you today.  It is during these times that I must learn to love and follow Him without the obvious push of a crisis. 
During these moments I must remember to "Be Still" and know that He is God.  In a world full of multi-tasking and intrusive electronic devices that have us on-call almost 24 hours a day, I need to remember to slow down so I can hear God's voice.  I need to be content during the period of rest.  I need to embrace the moments when God says, slow down, wait upon the Lord, see the beauty He has created around you, live in this moment for I have given this to you.
I need to stop wishing away my days.  Waiting for the weekend, or an event, or a planned moment of rest.  I need to embrace right now.  This very moment. 
I need to learn to push forward in search of His will for me today.  In search of the works He has prepared for me.  Each day I have been given was pre-ordained by God.  I need to learn to draw close to Him, to hear His voice, to wait, to be still, to embrace each moment.  Whether it is filled with drama, or a quiet moment doing the "everyday" things I can busy myself with.

One scripture that has given me strength and hope over the years is Isaiah 40:31
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

For me, I will wait upon the Lord, renewing my strength through Him.

For He has given me today and I will revell in all that He has shown, even in the quiet moments.

Caught up in Myself!

October 12th, 2012

God's refining fire often gently prods me along to the realization that there is some way in me, or a trait in my life that pulls me away from Him. 
I have met people over my many years that I would consider to be filled with pride, and some even with arrogance.  When I walk alongside them I realize that this is a very unattractive trait and one I feel very uncomfortable being around. 
Pride very seldom causes people to be kind, loving or encouraging.  It is self-seeking, and often "wins" at the expense of others.
Pride as it manifests in some people, can be glaringly obvious.  As it manifests itself in me, is not as obvious.  At least not to me.  Others who know and love me may see it, may accept it, and at times even ignore it, but because they love me, they feel it best to stay quiet about my offensive ways.  Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
To those that I love dearly, I am sorry to boorishly put myself before you and pridefully put my own interests above your own.
To my Lord and Saviour, I am sorry to have missed out on the very best you have for me because of my selfish and prideful ways.
Within the last several years, I have found a recurring theme that haunts me.  It is one that creeps up on me when I least expect it, makes others uneasy, and inflates my chest in a most unnatural way.  It is pride.
I am so very grateful that the Holy Spirit shows me whenever I am becoming prideful.  I usually become uneasy and very uncomfortable about a situation, or something I may have said or done.  Whenever I have this feeling, I search deep within because I know something is amiss.  It almost always points back to PRIDE.
When the Son of God came to this earth, He didn't come with trumpets blaring, as a King who should be loved and received by his people.  There was no boasting.  There was no fanfare.  There was no huge celebration that would signal that the Grace of God was about to be poured out on mankind so we would once and for all be reconciled to Him.
He didn't need to hit us over the head with it!
It had been prophesied about for centuries.
Isaiah 7:14: “Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.”
Isaiah 9:6: “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”
Micah 5:2: “But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah, though you are small among the clans of Judah, out of you will come for me one who will be ruler over Israel, whose origins are from of old, from ancient times.”
Zechariah 9:9: “Rejoice greatly, O Daughter of Zion! Shout, Daughter of Jerusalem! See, your king comes to you, righteous and having salvation, gentle and riding on a donkey, on a colt, the foal of a donkey.”
Psalm 22:16-18: “Dogs have surrounded me; a band of evil men has encircled me, they have pierced my hands and my feet. I can count all my bones; people stare and gloat over me. They divide my garments among them and cast lots for my clothing.”
 Isaiah 53:3-7 “He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all. He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth.”

When it was all said and done, there was no gloating.  There wasn't an "I told you so!"  No smirk of satisfaction that we would all get what was coming to us.  No sense of vengeance.  Just love poured out in abundance.  Open hands beckoning us to "Come Unto Him"!

The World sees this type of love and meekness as weakness.  Anyone who has ever "turned the other cheek", or kept quiet while being berated by someone else, or gave up their place at the table for another, knows that this is NOT the easy path.  It is not one we are inclined to follow on our own.
I can become angry when a driver runs up to the end of a merge lane to beat everyone else out.  All those that dutifully wait in the left lane to enter the highway.  How dare they!  I have places to go too!  I'm a busy person!  This is PRIDE!
My "nose is out of joint" when I am spoken to by a superior in a disrespectful way.  When they yell at me, or take out their temper on me because of a situation that they are unhappy about.  Unmerited disrespect = PRIDE.
Times when I persist in finding the answer, or fixing the problem, only to finally "get it" and then pat myself on the back for being so clever and persistent.  PRIDE!
The secret moments when I take the bigger piece of meat, or hold back my offering for something I would like.  PRIDE!

There is nothing that happens in this world that goes unnoticed by Him.  He controls all things.  He fills me with patience and kindness.  He formed my brain and allows it to work in a way that is able to occasionally figure difficult things out. He gave me legs that walk, a bed to sleep in, clothes on my back and food in my stomach. 
His salvation is free....lest no man should boast. 
Satan's fall was from PRIDE!  He knows that with all things good, man wants to take the credit.  He made certain we could NOT take the credit for his plan of salvation through His son Jesus Christ.  We can't earn it.  We will never be good enough, kind enough, loving enough, thoughtful enough, holy enough to earn it.  We can't buy it, wish it, sell it, or cover it up. 
The King of Kings, Lord of Lords took the form of a lowly man, left His Father's side to walk amongst us, be scorned, beaten, ridiculed and mocked.  This is the picture of humility and meekness.  Quite the opposite of pride.
I want to be rid of all things that come between me and the Lord so that He is able to use me to fulfill His purpose in me.  The works that He prepared for me even before I was born.  The things He has put in my path to teach me His ways.
Until I am willing to see myself through His eyes, surrender all that I am to Him, and follow Him completely, I am missing the boat!
If the Son of God can humble himself, and take my place for my sins, then I need to look deep within myself and ask God to reveal all the things He finds offensive in me, ask His forgiveness, and trust that He will lead me on His path of righteousness, for His names sake.

Will I ever be rid completely of PRIDE.  Not while I'm here.
Will I ever be completely meek and humble.  No!

But I pray that when things are hard, difficult, frightening or painful, that I will have left all of that behind, and all that others see in me is HIM!  That is when I am in His will!  Doing what I was created to do.  Be a receptacle and vessel of His grace.  Not my own foolish PRIDE!

Through Sickness and in Health

Through Sickness and in Health

September 7th, 2012

While parts of my life have been interspersed with times that can be quite trying, I have never wished that any of them had not occurred. 

God never promised that my life would be easy and I would never suffer.  His own son suffered while here.  He did promise that He would never leave me nor forsake me, and that is a promise He has faithfully kept for 36 years.

This past week saw the very sudden and unexpected passing of a dear friend of my husband’s, and a serious illness that put my mother in hospital once again.

But it has also been filled with the blessing of spending time with my children, and grandchildren, the ability to talk to a lovely young lady about the Lord, and a chat with a dear nurse who had helped me during my hysterectomy many years ago.

In the bed next to my mother, lay a woman in her 70’s who had been married for 49 years.  She proceeded to tell us about the joys and sorrows of her life.  She was once a nun, but had left to pursue a life filled with a husband and children.  

There is no doubt that her life had been a series of struggles and trials.  And my heart truly broke for all that she had encountered over the years.  The pain and sorrow had built up a wall separating her from the Lord she once worshipped.

There but for the grace of God, go I.

In dealing with all the issues this week, God has shown me how the world views these events and events that have caused others great pain.  I was so very grateful for the ability to see my life through His eyes.  I am grateful that He has shown me His faithfulness.

There have been many moments lately where I have struggled, felt sad, stressed, frustrated.  Yet one thing I have come to realize after many years of following Him, is that my relationship with God is not based on emotion.  I long for the joy that once filled my heart when I first accepted Him. 

But His plan was never to leave me in that moment, forever.  I have come to realize that His promises are not based on my faith, how good I’ve been, how unselfish I was that week, or how much joy I felt.  The promises He made were ones that He made to everyone.  They were made since the beginning of time.  They are not affected by my state of mind, or my actions. 

Even though I may not have had the overwhelming joy in my heart that I have had recently, I have never doubted that He was still at work in my life, and that He remained with me, always.

He has shown me He can use me, even if I’m not my “perky” self, because it is not my work that I am doing, but HIS!  He has answered my prayers, and in His graciousness, has continued His work, and allowed me to still be a part of it.

So while I have moments of stress and stuggle, I am assured by my Creator, that He is still there, faithful and true, faithfully completing the work He began in me 36 years ago. 

2 Samuel 22:3
My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my Savior.

Faith Through Trials

August 30th, 2012

I found myself re-visiting a show I hadn't watched for several months.  It is about the Duggar family and it is called "19 Kids and Counting".  Most of you may be familiar with the family who has 19 children, but as I have watched this show over the years, for me it has become a show about a family's journey through faith and circumstances. 
I admire their steadfastness in honouring the Lord with their lives, and I completely understand their choices and their faith.
When asked to comment about Octomom after she had just delivered her 8 babies, both parents made it very clear that it was not their place to judge and left their comments at that. 
To be able to stay close to the Lord when you are given this huge platform and celebrity status, takes commitment and eyes focused only on the Lord.
The last episode I watched was when Michelle and Jim Bob lost their last baby through a miscarriage.  The pregnancy had gone to 18 weeks, and even though they did all they could to remain healthy and to monitor the heartbeat of this newest "soon to be" member of the family, at the last ultrasound it became obvious that the baby's heart had stopped beating.
The first thing I found amazing was when they were told the baby was gone, Michelle immediately said "the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord."  It was obvious that they were both upset about the news of their little one, and you could see in their faces and through their tears that they were heartbroken. 
But at that very moment, in the midst of such great loss and profound sorrow, they chose to honour the Lord, accept His will, and offered up prayers of thanksgiving and praise to the Creator of all things.
During this show their faith is often interspersed throughout their filming, but on this occasion, they spent a lot of time allowing Michelle to talk, on her own, about her experience at the loss of their baby.
Many years ago, my last pregnancy went to 14 weeks.  And while I thought I was "in the clear", it also resulted in a miscarriage.  I wasn't prepared for this possibility, because all 3 previous pregnancies had resulted in the birth of our 3 children.  I struggled greatly through this time, and every day I woke up the pain seemed to go deeper and deeper inside.
I felt alone at times because I felt others couldn't understand what I was going through.  That wasn't their fault, I just wanted the comfort of someone who knew and understood my pain.
One thing my mother said that gave me great comfort was that of all my family members, there was one that was now in heaven with the Lord.  For me, that is the only thing that brings me peace is to know my loved ones will someday meet Him Face-to-Face.
So as I watched Michelle talk about her experience, and the fact that this little one brought them so much joy, even if it was only for 18 weeks, I found myself identifying with her pain.
The one comment she made that I will never forget, and brought the flood gates open wide, was when she talked about her little one not being able to see her face, but with these newly formed little eyes, she would open them to see the first face ever, being that of her Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.
This comment was so powerful, because a recurring theme after my father's passing was the comment he made a few hours before he went home to the Lord.  He lit up and asked my mom if she could imagine what it would be like to see Jesus, Face-to-Face.
I then began to realize that the life and death of their precious little "Jubilee Shalom" gave their family the opportunity to show the world their life of faith, in action.  In a situation that many women and men could identify with.  One that the cameramen would allow because filming people suffering through grief has a set of rules of its own.  This is the one time people are often receptive to talk and hear about God.  This is what often gets people thinking about their own mortality, heaven, and the Creator.
So this little life that lasted only 18 weeks on earth, paved a gateway to one of the most indepth discussions I have seen on primetime television about our Lord and Saviour.
It took many years, and 19 children to get to this moment.
It wasn't that the Duggars had been hiding their faith all this time.  The reality is that the show must appeal to the masses and as broad an audience as possible.  The producer's job is to bring something to the screen that everyone will be interested in.  The Duggars have remained consistent in their faith, and while life is now under a microscope called "reality TV"they have shown the world the reality of day to day life and how Jesus Christ walks with them and carries them through it.
So the next day, after watching and crying along with the Duggars, my world took a drastic turn very early in the morning.
I received a call from my daughter that my grand daughter had just had a seizure and had been rushed to the hospital.  She is only 16 months old, and this was very unexpected.
My daughter described what had happened, and was obviously very worried and frightened.  I knew at that moment that I needed to keep a level head in case I was needed to rush to the hospital to sit a vigil with her and JJ and my grand daughter. 
So I remained as calm as possible, and told her she and JJ had done all the right things, and that they needed to be patient and allow the doctors to try and figure out what had happened.
It was at this moment that I started to realize the enormity of the scripture "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord."(Job 1:21)  I realized what a difficult thing it was to give your children and grandchildren up to the Lord and say "Not my will but yours be done, Lord."
While my heart was breaking, my mother comforted me by praying and reminding me that the Lord knows all things, and He is the one who is in control of what is happening.  That He was allowing this for some reason.
I did not question why this was happening, but my heart was broken that such a precious, happy little girl was faced with such a serious health problem.  One that may plague her for the rest of her life and be the beginning of a less than healthy existence.
Both the Duggar's situation and this situation with our grand daughter brought back the reality of the fragility of life.  That while we may know and accept the Lord, our path is still fraught with pain and sorrow.  As a believer, we are not promised that we will have a life filled with prosperity, health, and only moments of happiness. 
We suffer the same problems and fate that all people face.
The difference is that God's grace carries us through those moments.  The Holy Spirit teaches us more about God through those moments, and gives us peace amidst the turmoil, joy down in the valley, and fresh hope for the future.
One insight that Michelle Duggar shared that rung true with me is that we are not given the ability to know or see into the future.  Only God knows the future.  She said she was glad she didn't know the future because she might not chose the path she needed to go down out of fear and worry.  If life were always safe and predictable, we would never see God's strength made perfect in our weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9 says
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
So once again I have come to realize that through these moments of weakness, are the moments God chooses to show His power and His grace.
My job is to step aside, stop trying to control the situation, and rest in His grace.  Then and only then will myself and others see the power of the almighty God in these situations.  Then and only then will my history with Him continue to show me how faithful and true He is.  And then, and only then, will I grow closer to the moment when I can say, without hesitation "the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord."  (Job 1:21) Amen

The Journey

August 2nd, 2012

When I started this blog, my goals and intentions were to chronicle another journey through my cancer diagnosis, treatment, and eventual outcome.  I wanted all that I did to glorify God and I wanted to become smaller so that Christ could live in me and do His will through me.

What I wasn’t prepared for was the work that God was doing inside. 

I have known and loved the Lord for over 35 years.  There have been many times I wished that He would take me home so I could be removed from the pain I was suffering.  But He most graciously saw fit to leave me here, and I am so very glad He did.

It has been through the many journeys that He has molded and shaped me into who I truly am in Christ.  If He had taken me home earlier, I would have missed the true walk we are all meant to have with Him.

I was only skimming the surface with my walk with Christ. 

In the beginning, I was so excited to tell everyone about my Lord and Saviour.  I couldn’t wait to be finished my tasks so that I could read His Word.  My mind was stayed upon Him, but I lacked the experiences that would truly shape the follower I would become. 

So I wandered in and out of a relationship with Christ.  My roots did not go down deep during those early years.  I fought hard to keep “control” of my life.  But what I didn’t realize was that it was never mine to control. 

In John 15:16 God says “You did not choose Me, but I chose you….”

Christ sent the Holy Spirit to live in each follower, and to guide our path, help us to understand the Truth. 

We are not meant to “settle” or “control” or “wander”. 

I now truly understand the purpose for which I am called.  The purpose for which all believers are called.  We are on a journey of sanctification.  On a journey to “die to ourselves” so that Christ can live in us.  We are called according to His purpose.  It isn’t just about becoming smaller, it is becoming so dead to ourselves that we are a pure and blank slate that Christ can live in and use. 

We are called to love one another.  I can have moments of love for individuals according to the circumstances, but can I truly love everyone the way Christ does?  I can’t manufacture that.  To see those that hate, harm, destroy, cause pain through His eyes is not something I can do.  This is why “I” must die to myself.  It is giving up complete control of my life.  It is putting everything in this life that I hold dear aside, and putting Christ first.  No distractions.  No agendas.  No other priorities.  No meetings.  No meals.  Nothing takes precedence over Christ.  This is the prize.  This is the goal.  This is the journey.  This is what we are to attain.

Christ in me.  This is how people can forgive the murderer who has taken their precious child from them.  This is how ordinary people can give up all their earthly possessions and take to the mission field.  This is how saints can be stoned to death and still look heavenward.

This is not human love, selflessness, and strength.  This is God given power. 

But He can’t use me as long as I put other things before Him.

Paul wrote in Romans 8:29

For those whom (God) foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son”.

Not my image plus a few moments of compassion or charity.  If we strive for this, we will always fall short of the glory of God.  We are missing the mark.  I will never have roots that go deep within and will help me weather the storms, no matter what they are.

So as I look at my goal at the beginning of this journey, it has changed.  It is to lose myself, die to myself, so that I may be conformed to the image of His Son.

The Journey is no longer the journey of coping with an illness. 

The Journey is, and will always be, the sanctification of my soul so that the purpose for which I was created can be lived out in my life.  The life that God pre-knew, prepared, and pre-destined for His purpose.  That is my journey.

Struggles

July 27th, 2012
After all the procedures and surgery, the last part of this ordeal was to await biopsy results.  Many wonderful supporters have told me they have been praying for me to be healed.  There are two ways in which I can be healed.  One is here and now, and the other when I go to join my Saviour. 
So I awaited my biopsy results, to see what the Lord had done.  I had been told that if I had "clear margins" then I would not need to have any further surgery at this time.  In my eyes, this would be termed "healed". 
At first, the results were not available when I went to meet with the doctor a week and a half after surgery.  I was slightly disappointed, because I wanted to move forward from here, and felt like I was awaiting "the news".  I contacted the doctor's office when I had not heard anything within another week, as I had been instructed.  Then another week went by and I was assured that this was not an ominous sign, and they would let me know when they had heard something. 
I finally heard from his office that all was okay and nothing "bad" was found.  "Were the margins clear?"  I was told they were.  I still had more unanswered questions so I asked to speak to the doctor.  I was booked an appointment for August 16th, after the office had returned from holidays.  I received a copy of the report and became concerned when there was diseased tissue noted within the margins.  This is the reason I need further discussion, to help understand the findings.
Is it easy to get caught up in this "cat and mouse game".  Yes, but is this what I am asked to do.
Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.
Romans 8:5
Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.
Romans 12:2
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

So God's words bring me back to what my focus should be.  Not the parts of this journey that affect my body, but the parts of this journey that have affected my mind and my faith. 
So while I wait to see where God will lead me next, I do all that is left for me to do.  To wait upon the Lord.  To trust.  To keep my mind focused on Him, so that He can continue to renew me.
I know that I must become smaller so that He can use me to fulfill His good and perfect will.  It isn't about the tests, the pain, the frustration, the distractions "of the flesh".  It is about understanding what God requires from us.  Minds trained on Him.  In all circumstances, in all things. 
Yes it is easy to get swayed back into "my world".  When I'm in pain, that is hard to ignore.  But healing is painful.  Whether it is physical, or spiritual.  What I desire is the end product.  I can't control the journey, but I can control my attitude towards it, and I can definitely control what I make my main focus.  So while I have been distracted, He has been patiently waiting for my mind to focus back on Him.  On His ways.  On His perfect will.  On His plans for my life and for the lives of others I encounter and those that I love.
Because of this I will not fear what lies ahead.  As Paul appropriately said:
Philippians 3:14
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
My goal is to make Jesus the one and only focus for my life.  That is when I am most useful to Him.  That is when His will can be done.  That is when all the traits of Christ that I long for in my life will be realized.  It isn't about acting kind, compassionate, loving, patient, humble.  Anyone can emit those qualities for a little while. 
It is about putting everything in this life behind me, and focusing solely on Christ.  Once I have truly become infinitesimal, then there is room for Christ to live in me.  Then His kindness, His compassion, His love, His patience, His humility will all live in me.  It won't be my effort, but his fruit being born out in a faithful servant who is finally able to be used fully by the Lord Jesus Christ.
That is my goal.....and that will be my prize.  That will be my healing.

A Full-time Job

July 12th, 2012
Throughout this journey, I have known the grace supplied by God to carry me through my difficulties.  He has supplied me with the body of Christ that have brought me before Him in prayer.  The outpouring of love has been deeply moving.  While my speech is slightly altered, He gave me a voice to tell others about His saving grace.
I find that during different trials in my life, it is often easy to rise to the difficulty.  God has taught me so much about His promises, and He has always been true to that.  He has never waivered or forsaken me.  I have known His peace, comfort and love.
But I sit here today in great anguish because I have not given Him my best.  I expect Him to be there for me whenever I need Him.  But have I put Him first?  Do I give Him my best?  Do I honour, love and obey Him the way He deserves?
I find I fall short on all these counts.  I do not give HIm my best.  If I was in the presence of earthly royalty, would I do my utmost to show respect, honour them, and bring them a well-thought out memorable gift!
So this morning, I cried out to God to forgive me for giving Him my leftovers.  He deserves my first fruits.  He deserves my undivided attention and love.  He deserves my very best.
I must learn not to expect His support during difficult times, and then live out my other days in unfocused busyness.  So this morning I searched my soul, praised my Saviour, and asked Him to forgive my selfishness. 
Being a Christian is not a part-time position.  It is full-time.  It is a 24 hour, 7 days a week, 365 days a year event.  It possesses every fiber of your body, soul and mind.  It doesn't stop because the trial stops.

When my father gave me a new bible, he dedicated it to me and then wrote the following scripture inside:

Matthew 22:37
‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’

This certainly doesn't sound like I should give God my leftovers.  My earthly father understood the magnitude of this commandment, and I have spent the last 30 years discovering exactly what this means in my life.
While I have had times where I am close to Him and seeking His face, even without the trials.  I am not content to sit at the same place and not move forward.  If my desire is to glorify Him in all things, I must continue to move forward.  That means maturing in my walk with Him. 
Reading the Bible until The Holy Spirit saturates me with His truth and reveals the word He has for me at that moment.  Spending dedicated quiet time with Him.  Searching my heart and soul for any offensive ways.  Praising His Holy Name.  And humbling myself before a mighty God.
The things I encounter and the path I take are not a surprise to God.  He knows me better then I know myself.  I think that part of the journey we are all on is in discovering the difference between who we "think" we are, and who we "really" are.  It is when I am ready to truly look at who I am deep inside, that I can finally start to mature. 
I know God can change me deep within.  He is refining me everyday.  The depth of the maturing for me is measured by the effort I put in.  It is time to stop waiting for the trials to learn the truth, and start using everyday to seek His face!

Day Three

After breakfast this morning, I was visited by the attending physician, Dr. P.  He had taken the place of the surgeon in ensuring my time in hospital went well, and that I was meeting all the required milestones in order to go home.
After hearing about my difficult night, he pledged that their goal for today was to keep me "painfree" and comfortable.  I should ask for medication every 4 hours whether I was in  pain or not.  He was putting me back on IV pain medication until they had the pain under control.
My job was to try to drink, eat, and get up and move around.  I knew I could take care of the moving around part, but the drinking and eating would only happen if his end of the bargain was upheld.
My day nurse L. came in for the second day and told me she had heard about my night and she was going to give me meds every 4 hours to keep the pain under control.  She took this as her personal challenge, and I liked the sound of that.
So I took my first IV med and proceeded to try and sip some juice.  Incredibly painful!  My tongue had swollen to the point where it filled the entire left side of my cheek.  I couldn't move it, nor did I want to try to because of the pain.  I was tired and suffering from the side effects of the pain medication.  It seemed to give me an unbearable headache.  But I knew if I didn't get some nurishment in me, that my body would continue to require the IV meds and the side effects would go on.  I opted for one dose of IV med and alternated with one oral pain med to try and lessen the side effects.  By mid day, my pain was well managed and under control.
I had graduated to soft foods, and slowly slurped my Cream of Chicken soup, apple juice and yogurt.  I moved to my dinner meal with the same degree of success thanks to the pain management efforts of the medical team.
Nurse L. was incredibly attentive.  She was a beautiful lady with the loveliest smile, and took remarkable care of herself.  There was something that radiated from her that went beyond a nice personality.
With my slurred and muffled voice I told her that I deeply appreciated everything she had done for me.  That I thought she possessed a beauty that was beyond what was on the outside.  She was more beautiful because of the radiance that shone from within.  I conveyed that she was in the right profession, and had the love and compassion it took to do a wonderful job with her patients.
She seemed surprised by this comment.  It seemed as though she had never been told this before.
One day earlier she noticed the magazine I was reading from the In Touch group lead by Dr. Charles Stanley.  She asked me about my faith and I told her I was a born again Christian and attended RAC.  I asked what her faith was and she said she "had to become a 7th Day Adventist in order to marry her husband".  I asked if they read the same bible I did, and if they believed in Jesus.  She said yes.
She told me about all the rules she had to follow with respect to her behaviour and her appearance.  I mentioned that while Jesus was on earth, the group that He continually had issues with were the Pharisees.  They wanted to follow the law, and constantly checked everything Jesus said and did with the Law.  I discussed how God introduced the 10 commandments to man as a way to show us our sin.  We had nothing to measure our behaviour against before that.  I said that when Jesus came, he was The Way, and we were no longer ruled by the law, nor did we need to give sacrifices to atone for our sins.
Galatians 5:4-5 says
4 You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. 5 For through the Spirit we eagerly await by faith the righteousness for which we hope. 6 For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.
Of all the times I wish I could speak clearly, this was one of them.  I had an attentive audience who was earnestly seeking the truth.  So I continued to speak to her about my life, and she shared more about herself and her family. 
It was approaching the end of her shift, and she was anxious to help me finish all that she had planned for me that day.  The last thing was a sponge bath.

I am very modest at the best of times, so this is something I prefer to do in private.  She knew I would not be able to stand up and do this for myself, and that I would be unable to reach my back.  She stood by the sink and graciously wet the cloth and poured soap on it for me.  She continued to rinse and put more soap on the cloth.  I modestly continued with my sponge bath.  She assisted me with cleaning my back and held my IV pole to help steady me.

At that moment, I thought about the humility she showed in serving me.  She did it with love and commitment.  She blessed me in so many ways with the thorough and caring job she did. She reminded me of the time when Jesus washed the feet of the disciples.  While He was the Son of God, returning to the Father, He washed the feet of the disciples.  It represented the washing away of our sins and the new life we would live with Him. 

John 13 :3-17

3 Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under His power, and that He had come from God and was returning to God;4 so He got up from the meal, took off His outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around His waist. 5 After that, He poured water into a basin and began to wash His disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around Him.6 He came to Simon Peter, who said to Him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?”7 Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” 8 “No,” said Peter, “You shall never wash my feet.”Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.”12 When He had finished washing their feet, He put on his clothes and returned to His place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” He asked them. 13 “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. 14 Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. 15 I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16 Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17 Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

So as I strive, in this life, to become smaller, so that Christ, who lives in me, will become larger, I once again realized that humility is what I strive for.  The humility to care for another person who is ill.  The humility to wash the back of a patient.  The humility to wash the feet of the ones He came to save. 

The world was looking for a King to come and save them.  They thought He would be sitting on a throne while He was here on earth.  That type of Saviour would possess earthly power, but the power of Christ comes from the Father, and it is eternal.  It is unlike the power we create for ourselves.  It is wrapped in love, and covered with humility.  In this world, being humble is considered a weakness, and yet it is the key to serving Christ.  His work can't be done while trying to fight His way through our pride.  He came to show us the way.  Not the way of the world, but the way to eternal life.

Day Two

The first night was difficult.  They never quite got my pain under control, but it was still better than when I first came out of surgery.  The night nurse came in to see me around 9:00 p.m. and I was in tears with the pain.  J. was the type of nurse who took charge quickly.  She didn't waste any time trying this or that.  From my bed, I could hear her on the phone advocating for me.  Insisting that I needed something by IV immediately.  I relaxed because I knew I had the best interceding for me.  Your prayers put the right nurses on shift each time, and J. was no exception. 
So I closed my eyes and waited.  She was so sympathetic and wonderful that she would keep coming in and aprising me of what was happening.  She was waiting for the doctor to call the order in and then we would be good to go.
She came in quickly and placed a small bag filled with pain medication onto my existing line and said I would be feeling better shortly.  So I closed my eyes and waited.  I looked at the clock, and only a few minutes had gone by, so I waited patiently to feel the relief I so desperately sought.  Still nothing.  I looked at the bag to see if I could tell what she had given me and noticed it wasn't running.  Being as efficient as J was, I knew she would be back in shortly and notice the medication had not been started, so I waited.  She came in and asked me how I was doing and I told her about the same.  She immediately noticed the meds were not running and remedied the situation immediately.
My biggest worry through this whole process was how I would react to everyone trying to help me, while I was in dire pain.  I was so grateful that the love Jesus had instilled in me for others was still there, no matter how great the pain.  My prayer was to represent Him well, in all circumstances.  He gave the strength to do this.
So with the bag empty and my pain not subsiding, I realized my only option at this point was to try and close my eyes and hopefully drift off to sleep.  I had the same semi-conscious rest, never quite falling asleep.
My faithful and kind nurse J.  came in to check on me.  I truly felt like I had my own private nursing staff.  I have always been blessed with wonderful nurses, but this group of nurses were the most attentive I have ever known.  I had to tell J. that the pain was not subsiding.  My advocate (voice) got back on the phone and started the process again.  She got a doctor to call back at 4 in the morning, and this time they ordered Dilaudid.  I waited in eager anticipation once again for this to start working, and this time I got the relief I so desired.
Nurse J. came in several times to check on me, and during her final check she asked me how my pain was.  I told her it was starting to creep back up, but that I felt an oral pain medication (something not quite as strong) might be a good choice since I had been given so many strong medications during the night.  It was then that she mentioned the first IV med I was ordered was morphine.
Ah ha!  That is why I felt no relief.  Morphine has never given me any type of pain relief in the past, and I had told everyone who would listen that this was not a medication that would alleviate my pain.  My biggest fear was being unable to speak and suffering with Morphine as my pain medication. 
But I saw how hard and relentlessly she fought to get what I needed. And even though I was still in pain, I recognized her efforts and could find no fault in all that she had done for me.  I was so grateful for her unwavering determination in bringing me the relief I sought.  I drew comfort from knowing I was well taken care of, and even though the pain medication did not work, there was peace in knowing that she was at the helm and that everything would be all right.
I realized that this is similar to our relationship with Christ.  He goes before us.  He advocates on our behalf, even when we don't have the words to say.  He sits at the right hand side of God and brings our prayers and concerns before God, for each of us.  Does this mean our life will be painless.....No!  But it becomes more bearable because of Who is advocating on our behalf. 
I am so grateful for my nurse J.  But even more grateful that I have a Saviour that goes before me and takes all my requests directly to the Father, on my behalf. 
This is what brings me comfort in my darkest hours, and this is what gives me hope to press on towards the goal.

 

Romans 8:34   Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died —more than that, who was raised to life —is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.  

Day One After Surgery

Surgery is done and I am home now.  While leading up to the time I was in surgery, I was often amazed at the things that were not bothering me.  Normally, if I have a procedure that requires me to not eat or drink after midnight, I suddenly become hungry and/or thirsty at 12:01 a.m.  Not this time.  My surgery was scheduled for 11:30 a.m., but it happened about an hour later than that.  I was not nervous during this time, which is unusual for me.  I chatted and laughed with the doctors (who all had a great sense of humour).  The anesthetist was able to put the IV in the first try which has always been a difficult feat in the past.  My angiogram took 7 tries to insert the IV.  What do I attribute all of this peace, calm and success to.  Prayer.  My prayers, and the prayers of others that went before me.  As I have previously mentioned, I cannot conjure up a peaceful demeanor.  As hard as I have tried in the past, it is impossible.  So the glory goes to God for the ease in which I entered this next encounter.
Upon waking up from surgery, I began to breathe deeply through my nose to help get my oxygen levels up and wake up quickly.  I moved my legs and hands and did all the things I would normally do upon entering the recovery room.  I had a tickle deep in my throat from the nose tube they used and started to dry heave uncontrollably.  Nurses quickly gave me an anti nausea medication to stop it.  But since the cause was not my stomach, but the tickle, I realized quite quickly I would have to try and alter my breathing to make the tickle less iritating.  The oxygen being forced into my airway was also iritating "the tickle", but I knew they were not about to remove this.  At the same time, the pain was mounting higher and higher and I was becoming distressed with all the overwhelming negative sensory feelings I was experiencing. 
I asked for pain medication and knew I just had to hang on until this started to work.  They injected the medication.  I waited, and waited, and felt no relief. An attending physician noticed me writhing in pain and spoke to the nurses in charge of my recovery.  After much discussion, they tried another shot.  I waited patiently for what felt like many long, drawn out minutes, but still no relief.  I told the nurse that I was still in pain so she said she was going to give me a different medication.  I believe it was called phentonol.  She injected the medication and within 5 seconds, I was having great difficulty breathing.  It was as though I had to consciously think about, and make myself breathe.  I told the nurse I was having trouble breathing and she told me it would be all right, and walked away.
At this point, I was once again reminded of the verse I had been given by CK before I went into surgery.  I can do everything through God who gives me strength. Phil 4:13  I felt comforted that God was in control.  That nothing was happening, or would happen that He did not know about.  At that moment, with all that man could do being done, I turned to God and gave my life into His hands to do what He wanted.  I stopped fighting the breathing, and relaxed and was breathing more shallow to stop the tickle in my throat.  I knew the monitors would determine if I wasn't getting enough oxygen. 
A nurse came by and told me to close my eyes.  I did and it seemed to make me feel better. 
I was still in quite a bit of pain, but as I relaxed, became more peaceful and reticent, the tickle in my throat subsided and the dry heaving urge stopped. 
I heard the nurse say that I could be moved to my room so I got ready for my ride.  I passed my mom talking on the phone in the hallway and waved to her.  She would follow us up to the room.
I got settled into the most comfortable bed and tried to drift off to sleep, but couldn't.  I could close my eyes but still hear everything going on around me.  Mom told me what the doctor had said about the surgery and who she had called to tell about it.  Everyone had been informed and I could get down to the job of dealing with my post-op recovery.
Once again I was shown man's limitations.  But with Christ, all things are possible.  CK left me with a second verse that morning that I was reminded of when I was realizing things were not going as well as I had hoped.
Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm.  Nothing is too hard for you.  Jer. 32:17
During those moments, I knew with all my heart that this was true, and called upon the living God to take control of the situation and use it for His glory.  He never fails.  He did just that.

Surgery Day

Today is the day that I go in for my surgery.  I have spent time with family and friends, and said what I have wanted to say.  Being unable to talk, is a BIG issue for me.  One thing I have been told over the years is that "I talk too much".  More by employers than family!  I'm sure family will be glad for the respite.
In my time being unable to speak, I will spend more time listening.  But I have learned in life, that I gain far more by listening then I do talking.
So today, I pray for peace, wisdom, boldness to tell others about Christ and the love He has for each one of us, and that for everyone that I meet, know and love, that they will take the gift of grace that God is offering and live a life fulfilled in ways you could never  imagine.
He doesn't promise there will not be sorrow and pain, only that He will never leave you nor forsake you.  I would rather go through all that I have been through, with Christ as my Saviour, than to have lived life without Him. 
He has woven a rich tapestry of experiences throughout my life.  To have had the undeserved honour of following a risen Christ does not compare to the richest gifts this world has to offer.  There is no substitute for the love of Christ.  He is the final substitute.
I know that gaining eternal life by just believing in Christ might see easy.  We want to do something stupendous to gain it.  In this world, most things are earned through hard work.  But not the gift of salvation.  It is free.  It is not fair, it is merciful.  If it was so easy, then everyone would believe.  Sadly, not everyone does.  God wants none to perish.  That is why He sent His only Son to die on the cross, take on the wrath of God in our place, be separated from God so that He can take on our sin, and then rise from death to life. 
This was not just a "good man" that lived on earth with a good heart and good philosophies.  It was the Son of God, brought down on earth, so that God could provide a way for his creation, man, to come back to Him.
If we are all created from atoms, or monkeys, or whatever devise chosen today, then where did the atom and monkeys come from.  Who created them?  We are decendants of Adam, not atoms.  We are created in His image, not the image of monkeys.
So if God is speaking to your heart.  If He has shown you many times that He is real.  If He has saved you from trouble, death, pain, or sorrow, then please do not turn your back on His outstretched hand.  He is not offering a life of difficulty, He is offering a life eternal, and a walk with Him that will enrich your lives in ways you could never have imagined.
I don't know why God chose me to walk this path with Him, I only know that I am so grateful that His gift of grace was given to someone like me, so unworthy and undeserving, so that I might have a rich full life.
May Christ never stop calling your name, and may you have the wisdom to answer when He does.
In Christ's love,
Marlene

A Sense of Humour

June 8th, 2012
Last evening, my husband and I ventured out for another test I require in order to get closer to booking the surgery I need. 
It was a CT scan, and the long story short was that there is a debate over whether or not I need to have the contrast dye in order for the test to be accurate and viable.  At 8:30 in the evening, there was no one around to ask, so I was sent on my way with the promise that it would be sorted out, and I would be re booked quickly.
So on our way we went.  Out to the "infamous" parking ticket kiosk.
Lo and behold, upon arrival, there was a gentleman standing next to it.  It was apparent that he was homeless, and he was asking for change. He was wearing a well used winter sweater which seemed out of place for this time of year. This was a different man than I had encountered several days ago. 
I told him I would just be a minute and then I would try to help.
I fumbled through my change, and dug out as much as I could.  It was a pittance, but this kind soul appreciated it so much.  He was polite, pleasant, and extremely humble.  All the things I strive for.  When he put out his hands to take the change I noticed that they were covered in thick, dirty skin.  Not the hands of a worker, but the hands of a sufferer.  I was moved by the state of his hands.  He thanked me, and I told him that I would pray that God would richly bless him.  He said "God Bless You" and I smiled and slowly walked away. 
When my husband and I arrived on the level where our car was parked, I realized that it takes a great deal of courage and humility to stand in front of people and ask them for change.  I'm sure some will mock him, jeer at him, belittle him, or worse ignore him.  This man was devoid of all pride.  This looked like a sin that he had no trouble with.  He and pride had separated company a long time ago.  I could tell by his hands.
Moved by his humbleness, my husband and I prayed for him in our car before we left the garage.
We fed our ticket into the machine, and started to advance when the gate lifted.  A middle age, reasonably dressed man yelled "stop" and approached our car.  I thought twice about this because he was quite imposing, but I rolled down my window anyway.  He told me he had just been released from hospital and was on his way back to London and needed 8 more dollars to get home.  I know what you're thinking, and I have heard this one before.  I put all the pieces together. 
     -Sprinting toward the car even though he was just discharged from the hospital at 8:30 pm at night - HMMM!
     - no belongings in a bag
     - relatively healthy looking and well dressed
I felt strongly that this was a scam, but if I gave him some money, it would give me an opportunity to talk to him before I was on my way.  I gave him the only money I now had left.  $10.  As I slowly parted with my last bit of change I said to him "I am giving you this money, and you are going to be accountable for the way you spend it.  God knows exactly what you need, and He is faithful to supply it.  He knows your name, and loves you just the same.  So I pray you will make wise choices."  I told him as well that I would pray that God would bless him.  He seemed quite eager to be on his way.....to the next car behind me!
What!  No change....$2 back?
He had what he needed and was still asking others? 
So, my husband and I started driving down the street and once again, I asked if we could pray.  B. said a wonderful prayer for him, and I prayed that throughout this evening, if this gentleman used the money to get "high" that God would speak to him, again and again.  That God would penetrate through the haze and make himself known to this man.  I prayed that whenever either of these 2 gentlemen required prayer for whatever situation they found themselves in, that God would bring them to our minds, and we would be prompted to pray.
So we drove towards the Gardiner Expressway and stopped at the final red light before getting onto the highway.  I looked up and chuckled quietly to myself.  We were about 3 cars down from the front of the line when I noticed an older gentleman, dishevelled, with a used paper coffee cup in his hand.  He approached the first car....nothing.....the second car....they didn't even make eye contact.  The light was still red...and then he approached us.  At this point I had to go to the the Bank of B. for funds since I was now "tapped out". 
I asked the gentleman to wait one moment, while my husband dug deep into his pockets and grabbed all his change.  I apologized that it wasn't much, but he genuinely seemed to appreciate what had been given to him. 
I told him I would pray that God would bless him and to remember that God knows his name and loves him too.
We drove up the ramp and now proceeded to pray for the 3rd gentleman.  I finished my prayer asking God that someday I might see each of these men in heaven.  That would be my heart's desire. 
So B. and I had a chuckle.  We started to wonder if we would be approached on the highway......etc.

What I wasn't expecting was what that experience taught me about myself.

The first gentleman reminded me of Jesus in some ways.  The worn and used hands, the humbleness and meekness, the gentle spirit. The pain of being mocked, jeered at and ignored.  He was easy to love.
But, I didn't give him my all.  I gave him a little of what I had.
I often do this with Jesus.  I hold back some for me.  I make sure I get "my" down time.  I take care of "my" priorities first.  It was after this gentleman had left that I realized I should have given "him" everything I had.  Just like I should with Jesus!

The second man made me feel uncomfortable.  Was he genuine?  Did he really need the money?  Was I being "taken"! 

Helping this man became more about pride, my pride!  I wanted to be obedient, but I didn't want to look like a fool.  It was easier to be bold with my words when I was frustrated.  If I had given everything to the first man, there would have been nothing left for him.

The third man was a seasoned veteran of the streets.  Who knows what his eyes have seen.  His life has not been an easy one, and he probably knows no different. 

I realized that it could just have easily been me standing there with a cup in my hand.  I could have been the seasoned veteran of the streets.  Was he there because he was down on his luck.  Was he mentally ill, and the system had failed him?  These are situations I could walk in tomorrow. 

So I learned that I need to give Jesus my first offerings, not my left overs.  That I need to look at all those that God sends my way with the humility and compassion that He has for them.  And I need to be thankful for where He has placed me. 
In the end, it became less about the money, more about the obedience, but the gems of what He has shown me after the fact is nothing short of a miracle. 
3 different men, 3 different lessons, one loving God!
What started out as a bizarre string of circumstances ended up being a lesson for me.  I am so grateful for His eyes to see and His ears to hear the truth.  Especially when it pertains to me!

Building of Trust

June 7th, 2012
When my husband and I were engaged, we would spend a good deal of our time praying for various issues.  People would contact us and ask us to pray for ....this.....or......that.......and we would.
We started to notice that it seemed as though our prayers were being answered, continuously.  It came to a point where we would pray, anticipating an answer.
We asked our pastor B. why he thought we were receiving many answers to our prayers.  He said, so that during times when it seems as though He is not answering, you will have this moment to look back and remember how faithful He has been.
Over the years, my prayers had become more of a grocery list of things I wanted, or wanted fixed, or wanted to get out of.  I would have a dialogue with God about anything on my mind, or anything that was of concern.  In the beginning, I was learning to acknowledge him in all things, but I soon began to realize that my relationship with Him had stagnated.  It was predictable, uninspiring, and no longer a priority.  My relationship was meant to be much more.  I had only scratched the surface of who God was.  It was like having a turbo charged car and only driving it on city streets at 60 KMH. 
I read all of God's promises in the bible, but I wasn't really living them.  I had never applied it to my own life.
When I looked at the fruits of the spirit, I may have seen a few of them in my life.

Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

But they didn't flow from me or through me.  I chose the moments of joy, kindness, faithfulness.  I had become almost useless to God because I was trying to show the outward signs that I followed Him, but inwardly I was bankrupt.
So over the years I had begun to learn that my prayers should be less of a "To Do List" and more about spending time in the Word, and then seeking His will.  But to me, His will seemed illusive.
When my sister was dying, I prayed that His will would be done.  And it was.  But at the time, I did not understand the enormity of that prayer and the answer I would continue to receive the rest of my life.
As Jesus states in the Lord's Prayer:
Matthew 6:10
"May Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven".
So we have assurance that God has His will that is being done in Heaven.  So how do we know if we are "doing God's will" here on earth. 
I needed to remember that God's purpose, plan, direction, and will are going to be accomplished.  As a believer, He comes to me to use me "according to his purpose".
In Ephesians 1:9 it says:
He made known to us the mystery of His will according to His good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ.

When I started to look for scripture that explained more about God's will, I realized that Jesus continually referred to it in many passages.

John 4:34-35
³⁴ “My food,” said Jesus, “is to do the will of Him who sent me and to finish His work. ³⁵ Don’t you have a saying, ‘It’s still four months until harvest’? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest.

Matthew 26:39
Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as You will.”

So my understanding of God's will is that it was something that Jesus sought and was obedient to, even though it meant a tortuous end to His life here on earth.  God's will always took precedent over His own, even unto death.

But Jesus was the Son of God, so I felt it would be easier for Him to understand and do God's will then it would be for me.  I realized that Jesus spent many hours, days and months in solitude and prayer with God.  His time and relationship with the Father was His priority.  He went there first.  There He was renewed and strengthened for the task ahead.  The plan for which He was sent for. 
I can only understand the will of God when I spend time with Him.  Either in prayer, or through the Word, or with other believers that love Him.  So while my prayers at times can still seem like a grocery list of "to do's", it is becoming less about what "I want", and more about God's purpose for me while I'm here.

My time with God can often be hurried, timed, precise, and purposeful.  Usually my own purposes.  The times when I truly start to feel I understand Him a little better, and start to understand His will more, is when I have finished my "to do" list and sit in silence.  Not thinking about anything more to say, or what I have to do that day.  Just sitting in silence and listening.  That is when He leads my thoughts to things far greater than I can create and understand.  That is when I see His will for my life, and for others that He loves. 

Colossians 1:9
For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of His will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives,

It is when I read this scripture that I realize that I am able to understand His will because the Holy Spirit, who guides me, protects me, comforts me, and most of all, is able to help me understand God's Word, is able to help me hear Him, and helps me to understand God's will and purpose for my life. 
This is the Comforter that Christ said He would said when He left.  This is who cries out to the Father on my behalf, when I don't have the words to form my requests.  When all that is in my heart is moaning and in deep pain.

When I am told to:
Psalm 46:10
 “Be still, and know that I am God; ”
that is when I can hear Him, and then begin to understand His purpose and will for my life.  Sometimes I need to be quiet in order to hear. 

When I am at home with my dear family, and my grandchildren are trying desperately to be heard, and others are talking, and the television is on, it is not only impossible to hear what anyone is saying, but impossible to gather my own thoughts.  When I am giving my "to do" list, then I can't hear God's answer.  It is when I am still, that He shows me who He is. 

Acts 22:14
“Then he said: ‘The God of our ancestors has chosen you to know his will and to see the Righteous One and to hear words from His mouth.

As a follower of Christ, I have been chosen to know His will, to see Christ, and hear words from His mouth.  This is no longer an elusive goal.  It is attainable.  It is not a mystery.  He reveals His plan and will for my life when I seek Him, as Jesus did, and when I listen, as Jesus did.  Jesus came to die on the cross for my sins and give me a way back to God.  He came also to show me the way.

Romans 12:2
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will.

I renew my mind when I spend time with Him.  Reading, listening, praising, and hearing.  Being still. 

Hebrews 13:21
equip you with everything good for doing His will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever.
Philippians 2:13
for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfil his good purpose.

I found many scriptures that refer to God's will.

1 John 5:14
This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, he hears us.

So with all the experiences I have gone through, I am now able to trust and have confidence in approaching Him.  As I spend more time with Him, I am closer to getting to know God better, and better able to understand His will, so that when I  pray, I can ask anything according to His will and He will hear me. 

And now in attaining a relationship with Christ, and seeing my history with Him, and His faithfulness to me, I have found that trusting Him in all things is becoming easier.  I still have buttons that are easily pushed. I don't always immediately respond the way I would like to.  But I remember the multitude of times He has been faithful to deliver me, or answer prayer, or bring me peace, or revealed His purpose through someone else and I know He can accomplish all things.  I trust that His ways are perfect.  They may not be the way I would have things done, but I have seen time and time again how His ways are not only greater, but better than mine.

When looking up scripture on His will, I found a promise that I know WILL be one day....

Revelation 22:4
They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads.

Another Step in the Journey

June 5th, 2012

Part of the process in dealing with this type of cancer, is to make certain it has not spread to other areas of the body.  In particular, the lungs and structures in the neck (one being tonsils which I thankfully had removed when I was 5).  There are 2 tests that I am required to take before my surgery is performed.  One a CT Scan, and the other an MRI (and various and sundry blood work, etc.).
So today I was scheduled for an MRI.  I wasn't sure if I had had one before.  I now realize.... I HAVE NOT!  I wasn't the least bit worried about it because I knew I wasn't having the dye, so I thought it would be like a CT scan.  I have had many nuclear tests, lying on a hard bed for 2 hours, while a large machine whirled over, above and around me within inches of my nose.  So I knew I had nothing to fear with an MRI.
They strap you into a device that holds your head perfectly still and then put a mask that is like a cage over your face and clamp it down.  They put headphones and ear plugs in because of the noise the machine makes.  Then they secure your head with foam pads to make certain your head does not move at all during the procedure.  You are told to remain very still  in order to get the optimal results they are looking for.
What I was not prepared for was being claustrophobic.  The technician placed a panic button in my hand.  Since it is a tunnel and the walls are extremely close, some people can become "panic stricken".  With the cage over my face and not being able to move, I started to panic.  The terror was growing rapidly and I knew that if I did not overcome this fear, the test would not be performed, and I might have to return at another time to attempt it again.  The fear that welled up inside me was a "fight or flight" panic.  Adrenalin was pumping, and I had not even begun to move into the machine.  A knot in my stomach started to grow rapidly.  My mouth became dry and I could not swallow which only served to heighten the panic I already felt. My heart began racing and was then followed shortly by having great difficulty breathing.
I thought if I looked up, there would be something on the wall of the tunnel that I could focus on, and start to calm down as there had been in previous machines I was in.  There wasn't.
I just wanted to press the button to get out.  I started to realize that if I pressed the button, and they did not extricate me immediately from the tunnel, that I would most likely start thrashing around to try and get out and might hurt myself. I'm aware that they offer some people sedatives, and now I know why!  At this point I realized I was out of options.  This was no longer in my control. 
I knew that my Saviour could get me through this, so I sang a hymn in my head that I was listening to before I arrived at the hospital.  I tried to make it louder than the machine.  When the knot in my stomach started to become larger, and my heart was still racing and my mouth was getting dry and I couldn't swallow, I did the only thing I knew has helped me in the past, I prayed.  I asked Jesus to give me the peace that passes all understanding. He has ALWAYS given me miraculous peace during difficult procedures, or times when I am emotionally stressed.
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
I can feel my body start to relax, my breathing slows down, and a calm comes over me that I cannot muster myself.  Please know that over the years I have tried deep breathing (which works well when you are in labour, but not so well when you're in a tunnel), prayers that do not include asking for "peace", and all sorts of rational.  They really don't work.  I have come to trust and rely on the peace that Jesus promises.  It has never failed me....not once. 
James 4:2
Yet you do not have because you do not ask.
Matthew 7:7-8
 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened."

I started to calm down, and then the machine began to whirl.  I could hear it all around my head.  I became warm in the areas that were being scanned.  The technician told me this might happen, but unless it became hot or was burning, it should be manageable. 
She also reminded me that the machine was open on both ends.  With the way my head was strapped in and positioned, I could not see either end.  So I pictured Jesus standing at the foot of the MRI bed holding out His (right) hand and telling me that He has gone before me, that fear is not from Him, and then I started to recite the 23rd Psalm in my head (my grandmother's favourite verse).  I spoke to Him about the Comforter that He has sent and all that The Holy Spirit does for me, and thanked Jesus for sending Him. 
This was a 45 minute test, and towards the end my back, legs and joints started to hurt.  It was becoming very hard to remain calm again because the pain was becoming difficult to ignore.  I knew that He has brought me this far, and I knew that He could bring me home.  He did.
I kept my eyes closed from the moment the cage went on my face, until I was brought out of the machine and the mask was removed.
Once I emerged and all was removed I told the technician that I did not want to try that procedure again without a sedative. :)  She mentioned that she has had an MRI and understood "the panic".  Her remedy was to focus on deep breathing.  I quickly blurted out "I prayed".  She then spoke about relaxing and breathing again  This time I answered emphatically "I prayed.  It was the only thing that helped." 
When I went outside, the same homeless man I usually see near the ticket booth was there.  I took out a small bill and placed it in his cup.  He said Bless you, and I said "GOD....BLESS.....YOU!" And then I silently prayed that He would see Jesus' love in me and know how much His Creator loved him.
I am a firm believer in giving money to those on the streets.  More importantly, I am a firm believer in loving my neighbour and doing all that God asks of me.  I know that they may use it for something inappropriate, but I believe that God puts them in my path for a reason.  To pray for them.  To show them His love.  I am not accountable for how they use the money.  I will never miss the small amount of change that I offer up, but I may miss an opportunity to pray for someone that no one else is praying for.  My Lord knows their situation, He knows their name, He promises that they are more valuable than the birds of the air. He takes care of them and makes certain they are fed.  My job is not to judge, but simply to obey. 
Several years ago I heard the moving story of a city pastor M. that was brought to hospital near death, frozen in a snowbank.  He was told by the doctor that they were amazed that he had survived, and since God had spared him from certain death, he needed to seriously consider what God had saved him for.  He never knew how he had come to be spared.  Many years later, during a service he held back in his home town, a lady of considerable years waited to have a word with him after the meeting.  He didn't know her personally and was curious about why she waited behind to see him.  She mentioned that many years ago, on a cold snowy night, she was led to pray for someone...him.  She was standing before her answer to prayer.  God used her, a woman of God but a stranger to Pastor M., to pray for his life.  He is now a pastor that is telling others about his miraculous salvation of body, mind, and spirit through the Lord Jesus Christ.
Since I have heard that story, I have always remembered that faithful servant who prayed for a stranger on a cold wintry night and realized He presents us with opportunities to be used, every day, every hour, and every minute.
Our job is to be ready and willing!

Another's Journey

May 29th, 2012
I was recently loaned a book called "A Miracle for Jen" by a dear friend.  This book was also purchased for me by Ms. P., so I knew I was meant to read it!
What I have often felt in my own life is that God teaches us through our experiences, and those of others.  When I hear of what others have faced, I am left speechless, and even more grateful for what I have been given.
While listening to the news this morning, I heard that Paul Henderson (scored the winning goal against Russia in that infamous hockey match almost 40 years ago) has cancer, and that it is quite invasive and spread throughout his body.  He is 69 years old, and the commentator remarked how he may not be here to celebrate the 40th anniversary of that infamous goal. 
What the commentator also mentioned was that Paul was a Christian.  In Paul's own voice he said "thank you God for giving me cancer.  I now have the type of relationship with you that I have always wanted."
To most, this might seem like folly, but I completely understood what he meant.  I know that Jen Barrick and her family understand what Paul meant.
Jen was a 15 year old girl whose life drastically changed several years ago one night after a high school concert.  She sang with all her heart to her God - Lord, You're Holy.  There was no doubt that Jen loved the Lord.
She kept meticulous diary entries that journalled her walk with the Lord.  She asked God to make her bold so that she could proclaim His love to others and fully gave her life to Him, to be used by Him. 
After a tragic accident she was taken to hospital where she remained in a coma for 5 weeks.  She had multiple skull fractures and a very severe brain injury. 
Her mother narrates the story, so you are able to understand Jen's perspective and her mother's perspective.  Both are very compelling and very real.
Having lost a sister to a brain injury in a car accident, I was intrigued by this story. 
Doctor's and nurses prepared her family for the worst.  They did not expect her to live.  Even if she did, she could end up in a vegetative state.  We were told the same thing about my sister.  Doctor's and nurses see these types of tragedies regularly, so they are speaking from experience.  What they did not realize, was that this young lady had prayed to her Lord to be used mightily, and He has been faithful to do that and was about to show her and others how powerful He can be in the face of adversity.
I am providing a brief overview of this story, but it is worth reading.
What I found remarkable, was not only the way that God answered prayer, but that when Jen slowly awoke from her coma she was unable to communicate with people in the room.  The process required to hear, think, and respond, was not working properly.  That would have to be learned again.  But what was miraculous, was that Jen spent long periods of time in prayer and singing praises to God.  It was clear and understandable.  She quoted scripture that had obviously been read in her youth, but now poured out of her mouth as though she were reading it from the Bible.  Unexplicable, but possible with God.
This is a story of a young lady that God has used mightily.  Her life is not pain free.  It is far from that.  But whenever she speaks about her Lord, she speaks with clarity and conciseness that could only come from God.  This young lady who was not expected to live, and defied the odds, is being used mightily by God. 

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

I cannot think of anyone that personifies this more than Jen.  Her willingness to be used by God, to be shattered and weak, to give her all to Him so that others might know of Him, is inspiring.
She saw Him standing beside her even though her vision was so badly impaired she could barely see.  She died to self, and because of that He was able to use her mightily.
So when Paul Henderson thanks God for his affliction, and when Jen Barrick thanks God for her circumstances that brought her a boldness she did not possess, and a testimony that makes others sit up and listen, I see His purpose in my life in a new way.
Jen's and Paul's story remind me once again that God matures us through the difficult moments.  When things are going well, it is easy to slip back into superficiality.  Angry when someone cuts you off, or treats you poorly.  This is our immediate reaction.  But when I am struggling with a health issue, or emotional or mental pain, I hear His voice calling me to rest.  The unimportant things become so much smaller, as He becomes larger.
Jesus reaches the world through His believers.  We must become smaller so that Christ can become bigger.

John 3:30  He must increase, but I must decrease.

Our purpose and God's will for our lives is for us to glorify Him.

1 Peter 4:13  But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

 When a kindness is done, I want others to see God and His love for them.  When a hug is given, or food is shared, I want others to know the one who sent me.  I am painfully aware of who I am without God.  Any goodness or compassion you see comes from Him.\
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 says
¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Romans 8:18  I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.So for Jen Barrick and Paul Henderson, they understand the renewal day by day.  I am learning to live it to. I am so grateful that He does not leave me where I am, but continues to teach me more and more about Him, daily.  A walk with Christ is not a stagnant, one time committment.  It should be filled with the fruit of the spirit and growth that pushes on to the finish line.

May God be glorified through Jen and Paul so that others might see Him, the Creator all things, The Father, our God.
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